


The World's Worst Roommate(s)

by KDblack



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Adult Arcobaleno (Katekyou Hitman Reborn!), Crack Treated Semi-Seriously, Disabled Character, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mpreg, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Teenage Arcobaleno (Katekyou Hitman Reborn!), These tags are related, author has lost all control of their life, don't put flame seals on your children, mammon's gender is cold hard cash, tsuna needs to overcome his daddy issues, vongola needs heirs, xanxus needs a drink, you'll save them a lot of bullshit when they grow up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25665121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDblack/pseuds/KDblack
Summary: Despite all the personal growth he's been doing since he became Decimo, the first thing Tsuna does upon locating Xanxus in the Varia compound is still to apologize. In his defence, the Varia's boss is slouched low in his throne, hair loose, eyes hooded, jacket off, top two shirt buttons undone, and after those first two disastrous confessions to Kyoko, Tsuna's first impulse upon experiencing attraction is to say, “I'm so sorry.”Which he does. To Xanxus. Who, judging by the tilt of his unsmiling mouth, was napping before Tsuna barged in. There's an empty wine glass in his hand.“The fuck, trash?”Tsuna opens his mouth to explain. What comes out is: “Please have a baby with me.”Xanxus' pupils dilate ever so slightly. The wine glass cracks into a million little pieces. “Thefuck,trash?”(Sealing a ridiculously strong Sky has unfortunate side effects. Unfortunate, sterility-related side-effects. In other words, unless Tsuna can knock up a Sky who rivals him, the line of Giotto ends right here.He is going to owe Xanxus for the rest of his life.)
Relationships: Chrome Dokuro/Gokudera Hayato/Hibari Kyouya/Rokudou Mukuro/Sawada Tsunayoshi/Yamamoto Takeshi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miura Haru/Sasagawa Kyouko/Sawada Tsunayoshi, Reborn & Sawada Tsunayoshi, Sasagawa Kyouko/Miura Haru/Kurokawa Hana/Dokuro Chrome, Sasagawa Kyouko/Sawada Tsunayoshi, Sawada Tsunayoshi/Vongola Tenth Generation Guardians, Sawada Tsunayoshi/Xanxus, Xanxus/Varia (Katekyou Hitman Reborn!)
Comments: 92
Kudos: 238





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What about quarantine has me writing for dead fandoms? I don't even know anymore. This is a glorified crack fic, take it or leave it.

Despite all the personal growth he's been doing since he became Decimo, the first thing Tsuna does upon locating Xanxus in the Varia compound is still to apologize. In his defence, the Varia's boss is slouched low in his throne, hair loose, eyes hooded, jacket off, top two shirt buttons undone, and after those two disastrous confessions to Kyoko, Tsuna's first impulse upon experiencing attraction is to say, “I'm so sorry.”

Which he does. To Xanxus. Who, judging by the tilt of his unsmiling mouth, was napping before Tsuna barged in. There's an empty wine glass in his hand.

“The fuck, trash?”

Tsuna opens his mouth to explain. What comes out is: “Please have a baby with me.”

Xanxus' pupils dilate ever so slightly. The wine glass cracks into a million little pieces. “The _fuck,_ trash?”

That look means Tsuna needs to justify himself, and fast. He wishes he could. He really, really does. “So apparently Kyoko and I can't have kids. Or Haru and I. Or Hana and I. Or Chrome – Chrome in general, actually, because she's missing those organs, and also I think she might stab anyone who suggested it to her. Or me and anyone. Because my Sky Flames are too strong.”

He pauses, glancing up at Xanxus through his lashes. The older man is still listening. Tsuna's not sure if he's thankful for that. He keeps talking rather than think too deeply. It's one of the clumsiest stories to ever come out of his mouth, especially since he became Vongola Decimo in practice as well as name. Long story short, Tsuna has been married to Kyoko for about three years now – open marriage, of course, because he won't give up his Guardians anymore than she can give up Hana, Haru, or Chrome – and there's still no sign of pregnancy. This alarmed some people whose opinions Tsuna does not care about, but due to political reasons has to pretend otherwise. So he talked to Reborn, who talked to Shoichi, who talked to Spanner, who talked to Mukuro, who talked to Verde because he doesn't value his own or anybody else's lives, and suddenly both Tsuna and Kyoko were being forced into a series of ungodly invasive tests.

The upside: there's nothing wrong with Kyoko.

The downside: there's something wrong with Tsuna. And, like most things that have gone wrong in his life, it has to do with his Sky Flames. Specifically, the Seal that was forced upon them all those years ago, which caused them to concentrate inside his body to unhealthy levels.

“Your flames are eating your sperm, Dame-Tsuna,” is one of the last things Tsuna ever thought he'd hear Reborn tell him. Clearly he is living in a bad timeline.

Xanxus cuts him off before he can start drawing on specific examples to prove his timeline hypothesis. Which is a shame, because this mental argument is some of Tsuna's best work. “Why are you here?”

“Verde theorized that the only way to stop my flames from, uh, sucking the life out of-” Tsuna flaps his hands expressively. “-would be to, uh-” More hand flapping. “-another Sky. Specifically, one whose power rivals mine, but who my flames associate with, uh-” _Trust,_ had been the word Verde used, but Tsuna is not prepared to admit he might trust Xanxus and probably never will be, especially not to Xanxus' face. “- _respect and protection._ For reasons.”

“Reasons,” Xanxus echoes, his voice a deep rumble in his chest. His expression hasn't changed since Tsuna got here, but the air around them has gotten much, much heavier. 

“Yeah.” Tsuna tries not to squeak, even though he feels like he's drowning. “Reasons.”

A long moment of silence and horrifying pressure. It's like standing on the ocean floor, begging it for the worst favour imaginable. Things move behind Xanxus' cold eyes – old things, deep things, angler fish and goblin sharks writhing in incomprehensible patterns. Cold sweat beads on the back of Tsuna's neck.

Why did he think this was a good idea? Oh, right, he didn't – he just stormed right out of that meeting filled with righteous rage because _how dare they try and force him to divorce Kyoko for Yuni,_ who, magic growth spurts or no, will always be ten years old in his head, and that rage carried him all the way to the Varia compound. Then he took one look at Xanxus, all dark hair and long legs, sprawled carelessly over his throne, and that fervor abruptly abandoned him. Xanxus has gotten quieter since Tsuna's formal acceptance of the Decimo title. His hair is longer, like it was in the future-that-wasn't. He moves like a ghost the rare times he shows himself in public. There's still wrath in him and there always will be, but it doesn't show as much these days, probably because Xanxus simply doesn't care enough to let it. Some people would call it maturity. Tsuna can only call it grief for another lost future. Xanxus is also living in the bad timeline, after all.

Tsuna can't ask this man to abandon his pride for him. Not again. He's already taken enough from Xanxus. He opens his mouth to apologize and leave, braced for the inevitable semi-serious attempts on his life, but Xanxus speaks first.

“How is that even meant to work, trash? I'm not like Mammon.”

“Uh,” Tsuna says intelligently. “What?”

Red eyes narrow. “I can't build myself a womb, trash.”

Some tiny, buried part of Tsuna goes _hiiiiiiie_ and stops thinking. Unfortunately for everyone, that part no longer controls his mouth. Thank you, Reborn. “Th-that's fine. Verde said we'd need an equally strong Mist to pull it off, anyway.”

Like Mukuro, who would spend the whole nine months cackling ominously, making jokes about growing people in jars, and flirting with both of them. Or Chrome, who would be nicer but would also never let Tsuna live it down. Personally, Tsuna would rather have Mukuro help, because Mukuro is a truly awful person with an ocean of blood on his hands, but at least he doesn't hold Tsuna's mistakes over his head like Chrome does.

“Hn.” For the first time since Tsuna started talking, Xanxus looks away. His eyes land on a completely innocuous patch of air beside his throne. “Mammon.”

The air shimmers and the former Arcobaleno appears, floating in midair, looking for all the world like they're sitting in on a vaguely amusing meeting. They've stopped growing, probably, though it's hard to tell under that robe. “Boss.”

“How long have they been there,” Tsuna says, strangled. The two Varia members ignore him. 

“Well?” Xanxus barks.

“It can be done,” Mammon says calmly. 

“And?”

“As poor a job as Sawada has done explaining things, the situation is accurate.” A thin smile curves over the lower half of their pale face. “The number of people who could carry Tsunayoshi's child to term can be counted on one hand. The other possibilities include Byakuran, Dino Cavallone, and Yuni.”

“Not Yuni,” Tsuna says before he can stop himself. “She's still just a kid.” Besides, she's sacrificed enough for him, and they both know it. Somehow, Tsuna doubts she'd be willing to give up this as well. Also, as noted earlier, his advisers – the Nono's advisers, really, but he hasn't gotten around to replacing them all yet – were agitating for him to divorce Kyoko in favour of Yuni, which automatically puts her at the bottom of the list.

Xanxus curls his lip thoughtfully. The gesture pulls his scars into stark contrast with the rest of his face. “Why not pick Cavallone, Trash? He'd fall over himself to do it.”

Tsuna breathes out slowly in a vain effort to calm himself. “Dino's married now. His wife would have some choice words for me, I'm sure. Also, he's got his own business to take care of, and I don't trust him to stay in a place without stairs for nine months.” This whole thing is going to be embarrassing and traumatic enough without the possibility of clumsiness-induced miscarriage. “As for Byakuran...”

Xanxus huffs in what's probably agreement and straightens up on his throne. This means drawing attention to the height difference between them, which remains striking. Even seated, he's so much bigger than Tsuna. “I've met that scum. Wouldn't trust him with the fucking prince, much less an actual brat.” His gaze sharpens. For a moment, Tsuna is thirteen again, and Xanxus is looming over him in the arena with hell in his eyes and death in his teeth. “I'm your last resort?”

“Actually, you were the first one I thought of,” Tsuna corrects him. “I thought... since it's the Nono's men trying to force this... you'd understand how angry I was.” That's one thing the two of them share: being screwed over by the Nono's poor life decisions and all the rubble left behind by his passing. Maybe the only thing they've ever truly bonded ever.

The tension eases a fraction. Tsuna has no idea why, but at least he can breathe again. 

“I have a job, trash.”

“You'd be compensated for the time on... paternal leave?” Is that right? It sounds right. “And there's no reason you can't stay in the office.”

“You owe me,” Xanxus rumbles.

Tsuna nods and tries not to sound too stressed. “Yes. You'd be doing me an irreplaceable service. That's more than worth a favour.”

For a long, terrible moment, Xanxus smiles. Then his lips settle into his usual scowl and he jerks his head toward Mammon, who floats forward gracefully. Tsuna happily focuses his attention on them while he discreetly tries to convince his heart to start beating again.

“And me?” they ask trying not to sound too eager. Unfortunately for them, Tsuna has spent enough time around them to hear the cash registers going off in their head.

He sighs. “Name your price.”

The figure they name is astronomical. But Vongola's coffers are full thanks to their new focus on white-collar crime – specifically, medical drug smuggling, patent infringement, and straight-up stealing everything they can from giant corporations who pay their workers a couple of cents per hour – and Tsuna can afford it.

“Is that for the birth or the child?” Mammon asks with the shrewd eyes of a ruthless haggler.

“Child,” Tsuna says hastily.

Mammon nods and drifts upward, a huge cheshire cat grin visible beneath their hood. “Well, I'm in, Boss.”

Xanxus eyes them from under his fringe for a moment. “Fifty percent.”

Huh?

“Twenty percent,” Mammon counters.

Tsuna has no idea what's going on here, but clearly he isn't necessary for this set of negotiations. The two of them seem to be doing a fine job on their own.

“Thirty percent,” Xanxus says flatly. “I don't see it, I don't feel it, I don't engage with it.”

“I can swing one and a half of those,” they say. 

“Fucking typical.” Finally, those red eyes settle back on Tsuna's shoulders. He goes rigid, because part of him will always be a little prey animal, and he relies heavily on that part to cover up the rest of him, which life has painstakingly carved into the exact opposite. It's that predatory part of him which quivers in delight when Xanxus rises to his feet in one fluid motion. “Fine. Talk to your fucking trash scientists. But first, spar with me.”

“Okay,” Tsuna says giddily. “I can do – hiiiie!”

Flame bullets slam into the floor where he was standing, but he's already soaring backward, the fire on his forehead flickering to life. Xanxus bares his teeth in a gruesome parody of a smile and surges forward, guns blazing. Wrath Flames fill the room. Tsuna is vaguely aware of Mammon vanishing with a soft chuckle, but he can't make himself care. All that righteous rage is coming back, and as always, Xanxus is the perfect outlet.

They blast through the entry hall, crashing into the kitchens – Lussuria dives for cover, though not before blowing them a kiss and shouting, “Get it, Boss-honey!” which earns him a few shots at the head – through the barracks, sending new recruits scrambling for their lives, and end up stumbling into one of the flame-resistant practice rooms just in time for the box animals to come out. It ends how it usually ends, these days: Xanxus on his knees, empty hands twisted behind his back, chest heaving and throat bared. Even with his flames reduced to embers, he has the devil's eyes. For a second, Tsuna looks down at his defeated opponent and allows himself to _want._

The he lets go and steps back, because he has enough lovers already, and Hayato could never quite bring himself to trust the Varia, and Tsuna could never quite trust himself with Xanxus. Obsidian is a fragile stone, but it's sharper than steel. All the Varia officers are like that, but Xanxus even more so. There's fragile and then there's _fragile,_ and the difference is that only one of them will cut you to shreds on its pieces.

Timoteo broke Xanxus so badly by accident. Tsuna doesn't want to know what he could do on purpose.

“Thanks,” Tsuna says, and dodges the expected leg swipe. “For the spar, and for...” His voice trails off. He can't say it. 

“Shut the fuck up and get out,” Xanxus snarls, picking himself up from off the ground. His clothes are shredded. Bruises and burnmarks bloom all across his exposed skin. 

It's beautiful. He's beautiful.

Tsuna nods and runs the hell away before he even hears Squalo start screaming. Mammon and Xanxus can explain the deal to the rest of the Varia; he's going to have enough trouble explaining things to his lower-case family. At least the actual conception is going to be handled with machinery. There's nothing sexy about artificial insemination.

* * *

“What do you mean, I have to have sex with him?” Tsuna shrieks, his voice hitting pitches previously reserved for chihuahuas and an enthusiastic Hayato. 

“That is how children are traditionally produced,” Spanner says dispassionately. 

Tsuna wants to rip the lollipop out of his mouth and slap him with it. “I thought this was like making a box animal! Add some flames, do a little tinkering, and wait.”

Verde clicks his tongue and fixes his glasses, looking absolutely ridiculous in his oversized labcoat. There's one Arcobaleno who hasn't hit his teenage growth spurt yet. Clearly they're growing up at different rates, because Colonello is pushing six feet and happily married, while Reborn still looks about eleven. “If it was that easy, we could just make one using a box. There'd be no reason to involve a biological element at all. Though the end result would likely be more box animal than human-”

“I get it.” Tsuna hangs his head, crying internally. He's going to have to apologize to Xanxus all over again, isn't he?

"Also, you have to be the one penetrating," says Verde.

 _This is fine,_ says the stupid, stupid part of Tsuna that took one step into Naples and fell in love instantly, that lives for Reborn's annoyed smile whenever he gets one over his tutor, that looked up at Xanxus all those years ago in the Ring Battle and wanted nothing more than to beat him into submission, and then – 

Blood in his teeth. Hard muscle straining underneath him. Dark scars on flushed skin, and above them, the burning eyes of the man who hates him, serves him, _belongs_ to him in ways neither of them can or will verbalize.

No. This is not fine.

Tsuna takes a ragged breath and flees the labs. He needs to talk to Kyoko. She'll know what to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did Kyoko's section turn out so serious? Because polyamory is srs bsns, I guess. Xanxus' injuries are from the Curse of the Rainbow arc. I am so tired.

Kyoko beams at him. “That's wonderful!”

Tsuna laughs and it feels like gargling with broken glass. “Kyoko. Honey. Darling. I need to ask Xanxus to willingly roll over for me, after I already got him to agree to carry our kid. How is this wonderful?”

“It solves our problem, doesn't it? And on the first try! You really do have a good intuition, Tsuna.”

He groans and lets his feet carry him toward the nearest couch. It's plush and horrifically expensive, but beginning to show some wear. That puts him at ease; the little flaws are what make a house a home. “This has nothing to do with Hyper Intuition. I was just... angry.”

“I know,” Kyoko says, still smiling. “I'm angry too. The nerve of those men! How dare they call our marriage a sham?”

Kyoko, Tsuna thinks, is utterly terrifying. The only other people he's met who can conceal murderous rage beneath such a sweet smile are Chrome, Mukuro, and Lussuria. Which is probably why they have tea together every month or so. He doesn't know what they talk about in those meetings and he doesn't really want to find out. But he loves her desperately, despite – sometimes because of – knowing that her smile is equal parts truth and lie. He lays his hand over hers and looks at her with all the sincerity he can muster. “I'm going to destroy them. Ten years from now, they'll have nothing to their names.”

Or they'll be dead, but he tries not to have people killed. It damages the image he's trying to create. The new Vongola is a peaceful Family, enfolding all, protecting all. One day, it will be a shield for everyone who's suffered like he has. In the meantime, he has to play nice with those who still play by the old rules while counting the days til he can rip the rug out from under them.

Kyoko tilts her head so the light hits her eyes just right. It's terribly manipulative of her. Tsuna adores it. “Don't be too harsh. I'm planning to spread a new batch of rumours to undermine them soon.”

“Then I'll wait until you're done,” he promises. A lock of her hair has fallen out of place. He reaches up to tuck it behind her ear. She waits until he's fully committed, then swoops in and kisses his knuckles. The noise that comes out of his throat is uncannily reminiscent of a boiling teakettle.

“We're all working very hard to remake the Vongola into something you can take pride in. Do you think Xanxus will want in on the rumourmongering?” she asks.

It takes Tsuna a second to reboot his brain. “I, uh, I don't know? I think most of them were his supporters back then. He hasn't been in contact with them much since I inherited.”

A delicate sigh. “He hasn't been in contact with many people at all.”

“How do you even know this?” Tsuna asks, cheeks still burning. “You've talked to him, what, four times?”

“Six. And it's not that complicated. People like to gossip! I just keep myself in the loop, that's all.”

That's all, she says, as though Tsuna doesn't understand how difficult it is to stay on top of what's going on in the Family. Vongola is big in ways he still has trouble comprehending – millions of people working around the world, fueled by countless motivations to work toward disparate goals. Tsuna is good at getting them to work together. Kyoko is good at finding out how to make them do it. If he'd known what kind of mental discipline it took to become and stay the school idol, he would've been in genuine awe of Kyoko throughout middle school.

But then they might not have started dating in high school, so. It's a trade-off.

“Are you really okay with this?”

“I think I am,” she tells him, as frank as she ever gets. Still a little sing-song, still a little Misty, but with a certain clarity he can't help but listen to. “Part of it's that I'm making the decision to be happy. Part of it's that I know what's going to happen. Part of it's that I like Xanxus! And more importantly, you like Xanxus.”

“I do not!” It comes out far too quickly to be convincing. He's not surprised to hear that she likes Xanxus, despite them having barely met. Kyoko's kindness has always been her strength.

“You do.” Kyoko giggles. “You've liked him since we went to the future.”

“No,” Tsuna says stubbornly.

“Yes!” She pokes him in the cheek until he can't help but giggle back. “He might not like you, though. It's kind of hard to tell.”

“He doesn't like anybody outside the Varia.” A few years ago, Tsuna would've said _he doesn't like anyone,_ but he's since come to realize that non-lethal violent outbursts are how Xanxus shows affection. Which may or may not imply some things about how every meeting he has with the Varia's boss turns into a brawl, but he's not thinking about that right now. Nope. Lock that right up and throw away the key.

She hums. It might be a skeptical noise. It might be a questioning noise. It might be an _I'm hungry_ noise. It's always ambiguous, with Kyoko. “Whatever's going on with Xanxus, I'm glad you have other people to love. I'm not always good at loving you the way you need.” Her laughter fades, though she's still smiling. “I still don't really understand it, this fire that burns inside of you, but that's okay. I'm a little pond, and Haru is a babbling brook, and Hana is the trees growing by our banks. We'll stay right here in our peaceful clearing, so you'll always know where we are, and you and your boys will give us all the light we could ask for. That's how love works.”

“Since when was Hana in love with me?” Tsuna wonders aloud. Or, you know, anything male or male-adjacent? In his experience, Hana only likes girls.

Kyoko sniffs playfully. “It's a metaphor, Tsuna. It doesn't have to be completely accurate.”

“Where does Chrome fall?”

“She's the mist that drifts between us and you.”

Yeah, okay, that works.

“The Varia are the ocean,” she continues. “Xanxus is one of those deep-sea squids with all the tentacles.”

Tsuna chokes on his own spit. “Please stop! I'm never gonna get that image out of my head!”

“It's a nice image, though?”

Well, he thinks a bit hysterically, she's not wrong. Xanxus with smooth black tentacles the colour of his hair is nice. Xanxus with a beak? Less so. Scars on smooth squid skin would be a fascinating combination, though. How would the prosthetic arm carry over?

...wait. Is Xanxus going to be wearing his prosthetic during the sex? How does Tsuna even ask something like that? He groans and lowers his head into his hands. “I'm going to hurt him and he's going to kill me.”

“Be careful with his legs, then,” is Kyoko's suggestion. “You can ask Big Sis Lussuria about his physical therapy regime!”

“I meant emotionally. Like, his pride.” Tsuna still makes a mental note to do just that, though. Jaeger made a mess of Xanxus. The hospital saved his legs, but now he always glows with Mist Flames, and underneath he's never stood the same. If they'd gotten him to a Sun immediately after the injury, he could've healed up fine. Instead he lay there, slowly bleeding out, while Tsuna struggled with the men who nearly killed him. Real illusions can only do so much, especially when you can't maintain them yourself. And still, Xanxus is one of the deadliest people on Vongola's payroll. 

Well, it's not like he didn't already know the man was terrifying.

There's no pity in these thoughts. If there's one thing Xanxus cannot abide, it's pity. But Tsuna still has his regrets. 

Kyoko flicks him on the forehead. “Tsuna,” she says, looking deep into his eyes, “I don't think you can hurt Xanxus' pride any worse than you already have.”

A lump forms in his throat. That's... probably true. 

“That's a good thing,” she continues. “If you've already hurt him as badly as you ever could, and he still agreed, then he won't regret doing this. So don't you regret it either, okay, Tsuna? I know I won't regret it, even though I'll be standing off on the sidelines designing baby clothes with Haru.” For a second, her smile grows wistful. “I still want to be a mother. This child will be all of ours, right?”

Now Tsuna's throat is blocked off for a whole other reason. He can't speak, so he nods instead. Yeah... this child will have five mothers, five fathers, three older siblings, a collection of wonderful aunts and uncles, and Reborn. More, if the Varia decide they want to play a role in the baby's life. Tsuna certainly won't keep them at arm's length. 

He will supervise them, though, because he's pretty sure the closest any of them have gotten to an actual child is Bel and Mammon.

...wait. If this baby belongs to everyone, doesn't that mean Tsuna is going to be a father?

Nope, nope, nope, not thinking about that. 

“Where is Haru?” he asks once he's got his voice under control. “I thought she was with you this week.”

“She is! But she's out shopping right now.”

Oh boy. “Building more of her costumes?”

A sunny smile. “You know it! She wanted to get started as soon as possible.”

Tsuna smiles and rests his chin on his hand. “What's she working on now?”

“I told you,” Kyoko says happily. “Baby clothes!”

“Why would she be-” The penny drops. Tsuna sits bolt upright, eyes huge. “You told Haru.”

“Nuh-uh. I told Hana, who told Chrome, who told Haru.”

“That's just splitting hairs!” Tsuna shoots to his feet, ready to flee the scene. It's too late. He can hear the footsteps in the hallway. All the windows are closed, he can't break through the walls, and Kyoko is snickering at him from the couch. He has just enough time to shoot her a look of intense betrayal when the door bursts open.

“Tsuna!” Haru shouts, her arms full of god knows what. “Good, you're here! Help me with this. We're going to make the cutest baby sailboat!”

Tsuna groans deep in his chest, but trots over obediently. Haru loves making costumes. Kyoko loves Haru. _He_ loves Haru. He just wishes he loved costumes as much as she does.

“It's fun if you give it a chance,” Kyoko murmurs as she passes him.

“It's really not.”

“It's an excuse to delay telling Xanxus, then.”

Tsuna winces. “That's fair.”

* * *

Tsuna delays for a solid week before he finally gives in. He tells Xanxus the deal right after their next spar, because Xanxus loves picking fights and Tsuna's always been more comfortable dealing with awful conversations when both he and his partner are flooded with adrenaline. One more thing to blame Reborn for. Reborn, who thinks this whole situation is both a professional failure on his part and utterly hilarious. Reborn, whom Tsuna is going to have to spill the beans to after Xanxus, because it doesn't matter how omniscient the tiny hitman is, he still prefers it when Tsuna gives up the embarrassing secrets willingly rather than trying to conceal them. Tsuna is not looking forward to that conversation, either, but at least Reborn isn't likely to do worse than laugh at him.

Xanxus, on the other hand...

“So I talked to Verde and he said artificial insemination isn't going to work,” Tsuna says all at once, already moving to protect his head.

It gets him a judgemental stare. “And?”

“We're. Uh. Going to have to-” Time for more expressive hand flapping. Maybe that will save him. “-you know.”

“What, trash?” Xanxus is clearly trying to glare, but his pupils are still blown wide from the fight, and the result is as much bedroom eyes as it is murder.

Tsuna swallows hard and does not look away, because no matter what agreements lie between them or how calm he's gotten over the last couple years, Xanxus will always take that as a personal insult. “We're going to have to have to sex.”

“Obviously.”

“Wait, what?” Tsuna's eyes do not pop out of his head, but it's close. “You – but – _how?”_

“Fucking Mammon talked to Verde.” 

“Oh. Should've expected that.” It certainly saves them a lot of time. Tsuna sighs and brushes off his slightly scorched suit. This time, Xanxus hadn't given him time to change before attacking. “Varia Quality.”

“Varia Quality,” Xanxus agrees, spitting a mouthful of blood onto the floor.

Tsuna sighs again. “Maybe you should see Lussuria.”

“Don't tell me what to do, trash.”

“You won't be able to treat yourself so roughly when you're-” _Pregnant._ The word catches on Tsuna's tongue. He can't say it. Can barely even think it. The righteous anger he felt a week ago when he stormed into the Varia compound to seek out Xanxus has burned out, and in its place a chasm of fear yawns open.

Oh god, he's going to have a baby. 

_Oh god, he's going to be a father._

“What if being a deadbeat dad runs in the family?” he splutters out, clutching at his head. “What if I turn into Iemitsu two-point-zero and tell my kids I turned into a star?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Xanxus swipes the nearest X-gun off the floor and shoots at him until he calms down. The icy clarity of Hyper Dying Will Mode makes the flood of panic feel distant. “You've already got kids.”

“But Fuuta and I-Pin and Lambo were already walking around when I found them,” Tsuna continues at a slightly more reasonable volume. “Babies are so fragile. What if I drop it? What if I forget it somewhere? What if I do something wrong and it grows up to hate me forever?”

Xanxus fires again. One bullet, aimed straight at the forehead. An assassin's shot. Tsuna catches it with his flames and diffuses it, but the hit of wrath is intense enough to make his mouth snap shut.

“You're going to be fucking disgusting,” Xanxus says, sliding the gun into its holster. “Get out. I have a job.”

That almost sounded like a compliment. Tsuna smiles at him for a moment, careful to keep his teeth covered, because Xanxus may not talk like Kyoya but he has similar views about threat displays. Then he remembers what they were actually talking about. “We need to have sex, Xanxus. Actual, penetrative sex.”

A wordless noise of acknowledgment.

“You, uh. You need to receive.”

Xanxus straightens up, having retrieved his other gun, and glares down at Tsuna from his full height. He's very tall. “Did you even read the fucking briefing, trash?”

“Of course!” Tsuna says. He almost raises his hands defensively, but again, threat displays. “I just... wanted to make sure you knew.”

“Take your fucking cultural baggage and leave,” Xanxus growls. There's nothing but cool distaste in his tone, but his body language speaks of rage, disgust, and a certain suppressed insecurity. He's lost his jacket again. A few clumsy swipes shredded the thighs of his leathers and his shirt is more scorch mark than fabric. The knotted scars above his knees are visible, though judging by the way he's moving, he's wearing a real illusion to keep from feeling the damage. Either way, that is a lot of muscle showing through. 

“Don't worry, I'll still respect you in the morning,” Tsuna says, because he's still in Hyper Dying Will Mode and Hyper Dying Will Mode Tsuna exists to make life harder for normal, everyday Tsuna. “I just want to make sure you understand why you're going to submit.”

The moment the words are out of his mouth, Tsuna regrets everything. Xanxus is barely half-dressed, breathing hard, and covered in Tsuna's marks. A few seconds ago, he was pinned on his back with his legs trapped between Tsuna's, snarling and spitting and utterly helpless. It would've been so easy to press forward and run his tongue down the ragged edges of each scar. 

Wrath flickers in Xanxus' eyes. “Process _this.”_

Tsuna leaves in a hurry after that, his body dodging gunfire and flames on autopilot while his mind tries very hard not to fixate on that mental image. He is unsuccessful. But hey, Xanxus yells something about scheduling while Tsuna is scrambling under barbed wire fencing, which means they're still going ahead with this.

He forgot to ask about the prosthetic. And those scars were bigger than he remembers them. He really will have to ask Lussuria about keeping Xanxus comfortable, or at least flexible.

...damn it, gay thoughts, now is not the time.

* * *

It's not like he's never thought about having sex with Xanxus before. At this point in his life, he's thought about having sex with most of the people he knows, because most of the people he knows are unfairly attractive, and also because years of Reborn's torture – er, training – have left him endlessly fascinated with things that could kill him. Which covers most of the people he knows, but especially Xanxus. Tsuna knows himself and his Guardians well enough to admit that they're all hot messes, but good lord do the Varia put them to shame. Yes, even Kyoya.

The point is, Tsuna is actually pretty experienced in this area. His middle-school self would probably spontaneously combust if he knew some of the things adult Tsuna gets up to with Kyoko, Haru, Hayato, Takeshi, Ryohei, Mukuro, and sometimes Chrome. Shoichi and Byakuran have been known to stop by, too, though never for long, and Kyoya finds his way into the communal bed whenever he can be pried away from Namimori. Or Dino. Or, sometimes, Xanxus. Hana is firmly lesbian and Tsuna's relationships with Lambo, Fuuta, Bianchi, and Dino have stayed strictly platonic, as has his bond with Reborn, though Tsuna thinks that last one may be on a time limit once Reborn stops his accelerated growth spurt. 

He's considered extending an invitation to Xanxus before. Whenever he wins a spar, he thinks about just planting a kiss on those scarred lips. He's always chickened out before he can do anything he'd regret, and he would regret it, because Tsuna wins their spars seven times out of ten but chronic injury or no, Xanxus was killing people for a living before Tsuna was even born. It shows in his cold stare, the way his guns are never out of reach, the terrible way he smiles when he knows that Tsuna needs him.

So yes, Tsuna's thought about climbing into Xanxus' enormous and absurdly comfortable bed while it's already occupied, waking him up from a nap with a deep and forceful kiss, pressing him down in one of the Varia's private training grounds and telling him how good he looks on his knees. That doesn't mean Tsuna has the first idea what to do with Xanxus' consent now that he's got it.

“Make an appointment and ravage him,” Reborn says primly from his seat in Tsuna's office. At eleven, Reborn is still ridiculously tall, so his feet actually reach the floor. He doesn't even have the decency to look stretched-out like a normal preteen. It's all very unfair.

Tsuna rests his elbows on his desk and makes a face. At least Reborn hasn't started laughing yet. “'Ravage.' You sound like a criminal.”

“Would you prefer ravish?” the tiny hitman inquires politely. 

“Now you sound like a romance novel.” His reflection in the wood is also making a face. Fun. “If he could hear you, he'd kill me.”

“If you let Xanxus of the Varia kill you, I have failed as your tutor.”

“Don't talk about him like that. He's doing us a huge favour, you know.”

“I am aware,” Reborn says, taking a pistol out of nowhere and beginning to polish it. “The question is, are you?”

“Is it this a pop quiz?” Tsuna asks suspiciously.

A cute little smile. It sends chills down Tsuna's spine. “Perhaps. You can consider it a surprise assignment, if you like. List me everything you know about Xanxus di Vongola which might explain why he chose to bear your child.”

“Did you have to put it like that?”

The safety clicks off. “Quiz starts now, Dame-Tsuna.”

 _Hiiiiiiie,_ goes the little voice in Tsuna's head. The rest of him settles down and takes the assignment seriously. It's Reborn; what other choice does he have?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where this fic is coming from. Someone stop me.

In the end, Tsuna can only think of three possible explanations for why Xanxus might have agreed to this. Number one is upper-case Family Loyalty. It was less obvious as a teenager, but as an adult, Tsuna can see that Xanxus loves the Vongola Family – loves it like nothing else. For Tsuna, Vongola is an afterthought compared to the irreplaceable friends and family he's gathered; for Xanxus, it's the other way around. The result is an utterly alien mindset that Tsuna has never quite been able to wrap his head around. So yeah, it's entirely possible that Xanxus said yes out of sheer loyalty, because if Tsuna dies childless then the Vongola rings will never accept another don.

“Boring,” Reborn says, cocking his gun. “Try again.”

Number two is the possibility that Xanxus was won over by the thought of his blood ruling Vongola from here on out. It's a very petty theory, but Xanxus is a very petty man sometimes. Most of the time. Almost always. He cares way more about Tsuna looking at him wrong than he does about losing an arm or being literally impaled; there's no other way to describe someone like that. Also, Tsuna knows better than to hope that Xanxus has actually recovered from losing the title of Decimo, let alone learning that he was never in the running. Ten years ago, he was willing to straight-up murder Tsuna for the rings; it's possible this is just another stage of an elaborate revenge scheme.

That one earns him a scoff. “Don't flatter yourself, Dame-Tsuna. It was never you he wanted revenge on.”

“I know,” Tsuna admits. It comes out more sullen than he'd like. “Plus, there's no hoops to jump through now, so I'm pretty sure he'd just kill me.”

“Probably,” Reborn says. A bullet flicks into the chamber. “Next.”

Number three is smaller scale than the first two. Even in his head, it sounds kinda stupid. Tsuna almost doesn't want to say it out loud. But Reborn is making a show of aiming, and yeah, Tsuna can dodge bullets now – and catch them, if he's on the ball – but his office doesn't need fire damage. “I guess he might be doing it so I owe him a favour?”

“Possible.” Reborn smiles and fires anyway. 

Bang goes the pistol. _Eeeep_ goes the Tsuna. He catches the bullet in his palm before it can hit anything important, thank god. “Reborn! Kyoko just redecorated!”

“I am aware,” Reborn says, returning the gun to whatever liminal space he keeps them in. “I provided advice. See that tasteful painting? I found it and set it aside for her.”

“Thanks,” Tsuna says, because it is a really nice painting, even if Reborn is blatantly fishing for compliments. “So, you think he wants the favour?”

“I think that a great many people would kill babies to have the Vongola Decimo owe them. It's hardly a stretch to assume that some would choose to have the baby instead.” Faint distaste glimmers in Reborn's black eyes. It usually does when he talks about babies. “Even with all the terrible side effects such a thing would entail.”

Tsuna drops the bullet. “What terrible side effects?”

“Nausea. Insomnia. Weight gain. Stretch marks. The most abominable cravings. Hideous mood swings – though, given his temperament, we're unlikely to notice a change there.”

“Are you talking about side effects specific to this whole-” He flails his hands around expressively. “- _thing,_ or, like, pregnancy in general?”

Somehow, Reborn manages to look like a miniature gentleman, even while rolling his eyes. “The latter, obviously. We don't know what new and exciting side effects this procedure has in store for us.”

Tsuna's heart stops. “Verde said there was precedent!”

“Oh, there is,” Reborn says coolly. “But as Vongola Primo never felt the need to knock up the Secundo, I'm afraid we're lacking context for how your overly-concentrated Sky Flames and his Wrath Flames may interact.”

That's actually a reasonable point. Tsuna's heart resumes beating. “Do – do you think there'll be a problem?”

Tiny lips settle into a thin, hard line. “Perhaps you should speak with the Varia before you settle yourself down for a good fret.”

What? No. Not until he's sure the Varia have been told the plan by someone else.

“That is a horrible idea,” Tsuna informs him. “I'm going to talk to my Guardians instead.” Hopefully, they'll be better at easing his worries than Reborn.

Reborn clicks his tongue and looks pointedly at the stack of papers on the far side of Tsuna's desk, where they can't be disturbed by unexpected bullets or acrobatics. “What a pity. You'll have to finish those forms first.”

“You were just about to let me head to the Varia compound,” Tsuna grumbles, but reaches for the nearest one. The Italian tax system is a labyrinthine mess, which makes tax evasion something of a national sport even outside the criminal underworld. Besides, the tariffs on pharmaceuticals are completely ridiculous this year.

“The Varia are much better about turning their paperwork in on time,” Reborn says primly. “You could learn a thing or two from them.”

That's another sentence Tsuna never expected to hear from Reborn, so really, the way his hand jerks and ruins the entire sheet should be understandable. Judging by the charming smile on Reborn's smile and the full-sized rifle which has magically appeared in his hands, it is not understandable, at least not by Reborn's standards.

“Never mind. It seems you need some remedial instruction.”

A tiny sliver of Tsuna's brain notes that it's going to be really weird if Reborn keeps purring like that even after he's grown up. The rest of him is too busy worrying and snagging bullets out of the air to think about it.

Not a single hole in the walls and only one broken vase. It's a good day.

* * *

Tsuna has several hours of dull, dry paperwork to convince himself that Xanxus said yes out of a desire to have Tsuna under his thumb. He can't quite pull it off. For one thing, as much as he used to talk about how people should worship him, Xanxus rarely seems happy when Tsuna shows him deference. If anything, it seems to piss him off. It's not like the Varia's ruthless, domineering boss has suddenly developed a submissive streak – Xanxus still throws things at people who backtalk him, and his officers regularly show up to missions and meetings with fresh cuts, healing bruises, and blissful grins – but neither does he demand Tsuna yield to him. Not anymore.

But if Xanxus isn't grappling for control of Tsuna, then would drive him to this? Tsuna has no idea. Whatever it is, it must be personal, but Xanxus has a lot of personal baggage which he refuses to address, talk about, or even acknowledge, apparently under the belief that if he never admits it hurts the pain will stop. 

That is not how life works. Tsuna would know.

“Why are you asking me?” Hana demands, nose crinkled like she smells something foul. “I'm just here to pick up your damn taxes.”

“If you didn't want to hear about my problems, you shouldn't have come in person,” Tsuna says without a trace of guilt.

“I have a date,” she counters. “It's been on the calendar for weeks.”

“That opera thing?”

She scoffs loudly and rolls her eyes. “'That opera thing.' God. This is why I hate men.”

Tsuna is privately very proud that he's graduated from 'monkey', but he will never verbalize this pride for fear of getting downgraded to amoeba. “If you had plans with Kyoko or Haru, you may want to reschedule. They're, uh. Busy.”

Hana narrows her eyes to slits, like a snake. “Busy with what?”

“Uh.” He can't exactly tell her they're making horrible baby clothes, can he? Nobody's finalized anything yet. Saying it out loud might jinx things. “Costumes?”

Fortunately, Hana shares his opinion on Haru's primary hobby. She makes an even worse face and shakes her head. When her bangs fall just right, she looks exactly like Kyoya. Between that and the animal metaphors, Tsuna wonders if they're related. He isn't sure he wants to find out. “Ugh. I'll take Chrome.”

Tsuna smiles. “She'll like that.”

“Of course she will. She has taste.” Hana turns to leave, then pauses. She plants one hand on her hip, wrinkling her expensive suit, and swivels back to face him. “About the Varia's monkey king? Stop worrying so much. If he hasn't split off from the family yet, he's not going to.”

“Huh?”

“You're scared of driving him off,” she says, with more patience than Tsuna probably deserves. “Don't be. None of us are teenagers anymore. He's had five years to find a place for himself in your Family.” The capital letter is audible. “He's an ass, but he can see the writing on the wall. If he didn't split when you cut out the trafficking operations, those awful environmentally-unsound construction fronts, and started clamping down on everything else, he's not going anywhere. Congratulations, Sawada, you've got another violent assassin at your beck and call. You must be so proud.”

“Every time I ask him his opinion about my decisions, he tries to kill me,” Tsuna points out.

“No, he tries to shoot your face in.” Hana shakes her head again, utterly disgusted with him and also the world in general. “Why do I have to explain the difference to you? You've worked with more assassins than I have. You live with the world's greatest hitman. You should be an expert on this stuff by now.”

“I don't think it's possible to be an expert on Reborn.”

Her grimace worsens. “Fair point. That worm would definitely take it as a challenge.”

Tsuna glances around the office consideringly. “He was in here earlier, you know. Almost certainly left bugs.”

Hana's hand slams down on his desk hard enough to shake it. “Then what the hell are you waiting for? Give me your fucking taxes!”

No matter how old he gets or how dangerous Fuuta's ranking claims he is, Tsuna never gets any more immune to Hana yelling orders at him. It's okay, though. Very few people do.

* * *

Hana wasn't wrong in her analysis, but she wasn't completely right, either. Tsuna is scared of driving Xanxus off. It's a stupid, irrational fear with zero basis in reality, but he can't help it. He's just more scared of what Xanxus will do if he thinks it's the only way to stay. The more he actually gets to know the man, or at least the circumstances surrounding him, the more Tsuna realizes that Xanxus' entire life has been a power struggle. A battle for respect, allies, a future. For all that's terribly, terribly wrong with Namimori, it is and always has been a community with plenty. People might be bullied or isolated, but they didn't starve. 

There is a file on Xanxus tucked away in one of the Nono's many safes. It's not the official one, or even the officially-unofficial one, which were both updated until Timoteo's death. This one was put away after the Cradle Affair. Contained within in its pages is a child Tsuna never got a chance to meet – a child described with terms like _skittish, mostly non-verbal,_ and _hideously underweight._ A tiny boy with hollow pits for eyes and vivid bruises around his wrists, who made twenty-seven attempts at fleeing the mansion in his first year there, who went berserk when touched unexpectedly and lashed out harder when warning was given. There are photographs of cigarette burns and thin scars from broken glass or tiny blades – almost all of them now lost to the kiss of Zero Point Breakthrough.

Note after note recommends seeking professional help, a social worker, a child psychologist, anything. There are no records of advice sought or appointments made in this file or any of the others. Sometimes, Tsuna thinks he might hate Vongola Nono almost as much as Xanxus does.

Anyways, the point is that despite the show he puts on of being a spoiled brat, Xanxus is very, very used to fighting for everything he has, and the thing about fights is that sometimes, you have to make sacrifices to win them. And even then, you can still lose. To Tsuna, the Ring Battle was the moment this whole 'you must become Vongola Decimo' thing became real. To Xanxus, it was probably the culmination of a years-long nightmare which stripped him of his very foundation. All that stayed was the Varia, and only because the Varia love Xanxus like Xanxus loves Vongola. Ideally, that would mean Tsuna could trust the Varia to let him know if Xanxus is in a better headspace now than he was back then, when he nearly burned himself out, but in practice the Varia are certain their boss can do whatever the hell he wants. Just like Tsuna's own Guardians, they live in a universe where the world revolves around their boss, no matter how much evidence exists to the contrary. Tsuna used to live in fear of what would happen when Hayato, Takeshi, and Ryohei finally figured out how much of a loser he was. Now he worries that they never will, and they'll all end up in the brittle state between denial and outright cognitive dissonance that Squalo has perfected, with the rest of the Varia's officers following close behind.

Tsuna wonders if Xanxus has ever felt unworthy of their regard. Maybe that's why they're so happy to take his abuse? In Tsuna's experience, even the most dangerous people will forgive their bosses a lot if it's coming from a place of doubt or insecurity. 

Or maybe they're all just huge masochists. That's a possibility, too.

Look, the point is that there are very few things Xanxus won't sacrifice in pursuit of his goals, and if he gets it into his head that he needs to hurt to win, nobody will stop him. He gave up his arm, risked his legs, and damn near almost lost his life for Mammon. As long as it's for a purpose, any level of pain can be endured. 

But Tsuna – Tsuna has never been able to stand his people hurting themselves for his sake. If this is some form of self-harm, or worse, some way for Xanxus to punish himself for perceived failings...

Tsuna doesn't win every clash with Xanxus, but he won't lose this one. That means he needs as many allies as he can get. It's time to bring everyone else in on this.

Right after he finishes these forms.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then the Guardians happened.

Tsuna ends up calling everyone ahead as he's driven back from the office, just to let them know what he needs to talk to them about. In broad strokes, because he might literally die otherwise. It's a slip of security protocols, but seeing as the driver goes _kufufu_ when he reminds Tsuna of that, Tsuna's confident that nobody outside their little circle overheard. Said driver melts away when Tsuna finally arrives at the beautiful, spacious, and heavily fortified residence that he and his Guardians have come to call their own. There's an entirely different feel to this place than the small house nearby where Kyoko, Haru, and sometimes Chrome live, or Hana's spartan apartment in the city, or even his mother's house back in Namimori. A certain tension always singing through the air. Tsuna makes his way through the yard without too much issue; only one trap comes close to touching him, and at this point in his life he's getting very resistant to burns.

When he steps inside, he's met with a flustered and agitated Hayato wearing last night's sweater, a short ponytail, and glasses. “I am so sorry, Tenth!”

“I'm so sorry,” Tsuna says at the same time, because Hayato in glasses and a tiny ponytail makes his brain glitch out. “Wait, what?”

“I've been consulting with Verde all day but I can't find a workaround! As your right hand man, this is an unforgivable failure.” For a moment, Hayato's eyes glisten wetly. Then he drops to all fours and slams his face into the floor in a full dogeza apology, which is definitely overkill for a situation like this.

Tsuna reaches down and pets his hair gently. “It's okay, Hayato. It's not the end of the world.”

“It's not okay!” The intensity of that declaration is barely muffled by the carpet. “I should've seen this coming. I should've been able to find a solution.”

Now he's claiming full responsibility for Tsuna's irrational fears and tendency to overthink? “That's not how anxiety works, Hayato. Don't ask the impossible of yourself.”

Hayato gives him a look that's half starry-eyed adoration and half mulish stubbornness. That does mean he has to sit up, though, so Tsuna chalks it up as a win. “This is hardly impossible, Tenth! We've done the impossible before! This is just-” An inarticulate sound of rage. “-stupid!”

Tsuna would love to argue that point, but yeah, Hayato's right. This whole situation is just stupid. And so are the surrounding circumstances forcing him into it. “Sometimes stupid things happen. Case in point, my entire life.”

“Don't talk about yourself like that!” Hayato surges to his feet, grabbing Tsuna's shoulders in something that's not quite a hug and not quite the set-up for a beatdown.

“Then you can't either,” Tsuna says, and smiles triumphantly.

That's enough for Hayato to go full starry-eyed. To this day, Tsuna has no idea what he did to make Gokudera Hayato fall for him. It's been a long time since he was able to brush off Hayato's feelings as the surface-level adoration of a stray assassin whose life was saved by his target – after ten years, there are precious few secrets between them, which means Hayato knows exactly how pathetic Tsuna really is and still loves him. What a terrifying thought. Fortunately, Tsuna knows exactly how sad, reckless, and self-loathing Hayato is, too, so it's just about even. They cover each other's weak spots.

“I still should've been able to predict it,” Hayato says after a moment, but his tone has gotten less explosive. More contemplative. “Maybe if I'd had a wider sample size of previously-sealed Skies to work with-”

“I'm glad you didn't,” Tsuna cuts in. “I wouldn't wish a seal on anyone.” 

It's the truth, though maybe not the way most people would expect. Being sealed didn't hurt or anything, didn't cut him off from part of himself, didn't leave him any more helpless and clumsy than any other teenage loser. What it did was stunt his growth. Flame Actives are constantly enhancing their bodies and perceptions at a subconscious level, but when baby Tsuna tried to do that on automatic, it just led to him getting distracted and tripping over himself. The result was a kid who quickly learned to stop trying, because effort would only make things worse. Tsuna won't put the bullying he experienced on the Nono's head, but that awful, listless mindset he'd sunk into before he met Reborn? The one which left him feeling like a pointless existence that no one but his mother would miss? That, he can and will lay at his predecessor's feet.

Though maybe that's not entirely accurate. As Reborn proved, anybody could've reached into Tsuna's tiny world and brought him out, kicking and screaming. But the same could be said for angry, isolated Hayato and smiling-but-empty Takeshi, so really, why go down that road? They found each other in the end. Why angst over might-have-beens when Hayato is slumping down into Tsuna's shoulder, arms now wrapped loosely around him?

“Tenth, you're so kind...”

He's really not, but good luck convincing Hayato of that. Instead, Tsuna shuffles back so he can kiss Hayato on the nose and then grins when his right hand man jerks backward, cheeks burning red, one hand clapped over the spot. “Don't call me that when we're talking about relationships. Am I the first one here?”

It takes Hayato a second to get control of his face again. “Actually, you're the last, Tenth-” He shakes his head apologetically, still pink. “-Tsuna. Everyone else is waiting downstairs.”

'Downstairs', in this case, means the heavily-fortified soundproof room under the basement, because when Reborn is in your life, paranoia is just good sense.

“Yo, Tsuna! Good to see you.” It's the off-season, so Takeshi is here in person, smiling sunnily from the corner. He waves when Tsuna walks in, because that's the kind of person he is. 

Tsuna waves back and is promptly attacked by an over-enthusiastic Ryohei. Okay, it was probably meant to be a hug, but the gesture of affection goes on for almost a full minute and Tsuna's feet do not touch the ground once. 'Attack' is clearly the correct word to go with. Not that Tsuna is complaining. “You're late!” the huge blond thunders. “We were extremely worried!”

“Thanks,” Tsuna wheezes, marveling at the strength of those arms. Now isn't really the time for that, though. “m'fine. Put me down?”

Ryohei puts him down and takes a step back, letting the remaining occupants of the room know it's their to make a big fuss. That won't be happening – Hayato already made his fuss at the entrance and Tsuna can see him switching gears from 'overly-enthusiastic right hand man' to 'overly enthusiastic boyfriend.' Mukuro and Chrome are in the other corner, as far from Takeshi as they can get while still watching both the door and the wall of flatscreen monitors which the group use when someone is telecommuting. Not out of any particular distaste for Takeshi – it's just that being in close quarters with others is an acquired taste for them both. They've coordinated matching outfits again: military-style jackets with a long, slit skirt for Chrome and tapered trousers for Mukuro. Combined with their mismatched stares and Mukuro's resting serial killer face, it makes for a striking image. Mukuro laughs eerily as Tsuna looks their way. Chrome just gives him her sweetest smile. Tsuna doesn't quite shudder, but he does look away quickly. Yeah, even if Kyoko hadn't told him, he'd have been able to figure out that Chrome already knew the subject of this discussion.

Finally, as per usual, Kyoya is commuting by video client. It takes far more than a serious discussion about the Family's future to pry him out of Namimori. Hibird is perched daintily on his head, singing the anthem of Namimori City, previously the anthem of Namimori Middle. Kyoya sits in his office, utterly silent, eyes closed. The rest of them quiet down and listen until the song is over out of mingled respect, fear, and the cuteness-related brain misfire that makes people look at tigers and think _who's a good kitty?_

After the last note has ended, Kyoya's eyes snap open and land unerringly on Tsuna. “Report.”

Tsuna snaps to attention on reflex, not because Kyoya's tone is particularly menacing – though it is – but because he loves Kyoya, and that means respecting Kyoya's utter inability to wrap his head around social cues. It's fine. Hayato's mood is eternally swinging from one extreme to the other, Takeshi admitted last year that he cares about everyone but he's still not entirely sure what 'love' feels like, Ryohei has zero concept of an indoor voice, Chrome is a tiny evil mastermind, Tsuna is still a flaily mess who goes _hiiiiie_ at the slightest provocation, and Mukuro is Mukuro. None of them have any high ground when it comes to being a functional person. So Tsuna takes a deep breath and reports.

“Verde forgot to mention a couple of things in our last meeting. Does everyone know where we currently on, you know, the heir thing?”

There's a chorus of nods and vaguely-affirmative sounds. The general consensus is that Tsuna's inability to father a child is faintly disappointing (Kyoya), karmically hilarious (Mukuro), or makes them worried about how Tsuna might be handling the information (everyone else). Tsuna is genuinely touched by everyone's reactions, except for Mukuro, who is still awful. He's so touched he lets himself bask in it for several seconds.

Then Takeshi hums encouragingly. “And?”

“And there may be slightly more steps required for me to, you know,” Hand flailing time. “ _Baby,_ than originally thought – Hayato, don't you dare start banging your head on the floor again!”

Hayato does not sink back down the floor. He does hang his head dramatically, looking like he might cry, but Tsuna is willing to accept this since he kinda feels like crying himself. 

“Don't worry!” Ryohei ruffles Hayato's hair hard enough to make him stumble. And then puts him in a very affectionate headlock. “We're extremely here for you, Tsuna! And you, Hayato!”

“I'm not the one facing a nightmare scenario here,” Hayato grumbles, but his attempts to fight his way free are half-hearted at best. They get a bit stronger when he notices Mukuro smiling at him, but not by much.

Chrome raises a hand to her mouth and giggles quietly. That's it. It's still terrifying.

“Get to the point,” says Kyoya.

Tsuna steels himself and gets to the point. “There is a distinct possibility I need to fuck Xanxus.”

A moment of silence. It lasts just long enough for Tsuna to regret all of his choices, beginning when he was two and thought it would be a good idea to try walking without his mom there. What the hell, baby Tsuna? No wonder his life is a mess.

“Huh,” says Takeshi finally. “Do you want advice?”

That's too much for Hayato to take. “Are you an idiot? Of course he doesn't want advice! He needs help-”

“-with physical therapy!” Ryohei finishes, letting go of Hayato to slam his fist into an open palm. “Don't worry, Tsuna! I extremely talked to Big Sis Lussuria about this!”

“No, I – well, yes, but-” Tsuna freezes midsentence. “You were in the same room as Lussuria? When? Why?” 

“I go to Kyoko's stitch and bitch sessions sometimes!” Ryohei declares with neither hesitation nor shame. “He has extremely good insight on muscular degeneration! And likes to recommend workout routines!”

That's because Lussuria is a former serial killer who's had his eyes on Ryohei for years. Probably. Like many aspects of the mafia lifestyle, the Varia only grow stranger with age. Tsuna's come to understand that none of the assassins were putting their all into the Ring Battles, but he still has no idea why, or how much of what they showed him back then was fabricated. Lussuria might have been putting on a show. Mammon definitely was. Squalo is debatable. He's almost 100% certain that Xanxus wasn't.

“Let me know next time you decide to drop in,” Tsuna says helplessly. It gets him an enthusiastic thumbs up, so that's nice.

Mukuro picks then to pipe up. “Personally, I'm offended. It wounds me that you chose another Mist to stand by and watch as you put that ape in his place. Don't you agree, my dear Chrome?”

“I'm sure Tsuna has his reasons,” Chrome says. The twinkle in her eye suggests that those reasons are embarrassment, and she is completely right.

Tsuna scowls at them. “This is why I didn't pick either of you. Mammon will do just fine.” He's... just going to forget about that whole 'stand by and watch you have sex' thing for now. “And wow, it's been a while since you used those metaphors. Picking up a few things from Kyoya?”

Mukuro snaps his mouth shut, looking faintly horrified. Chrome giggles at him, too, because she is merciless and picks no sides.

On the screen, Kyoya snorts dismissively. “That rabid beast isn't an ape. I do not understand why I had to be here.”

“You're here because I'm, you know.” Oh, wow, Tsuna's hands are super sweaty. Can he sneakily wipe them on his suit pants? Why is he still wearing suit pants? He misses jeans. “Asking if everyone is comfortable with me fucking Xanxus.”

“Oh,” Takeshi says. “Yeah, sure. Wait, is Squalo part of the deal, too?”

“No,” Tsuna says immediately. Squalo is a very attractive man, but Tsuna's seen Takeshi's face and neck after some 'sparring sessions'. He looks like he's deep-throated live steel.

A shrug. “Your loss. Hayato, you all right?”

Hayato is not all right. He's actively swaying on his feet, the way he used to when Bianchi was around. “T-Tenth? You're... actually considering this?”

“I still need some of the Nono's people behind me,” Tsuna says grimly. “That _will_ change, but until then, I need to lull them into a false sense of security.” Some of the intensity flees as he remembers Kyoko's smile. “Besides, Kyoko's looking forward to being a mother. And I know you guys are, too.”

“Kyoko's okay with this?” Hayato snarls, because he and Kyoko have had some kind of rivalry going on ever since Kyoko asked Tsuna out in front of Hayato. It's mellowed a lot in the years since high school, especially after Tsuna and Kyoko awkwardly admitted that they wanted more in a relationship than they could get from just each other, but Hayato still bristles whenever Kyoko does something he doesn't like. Often he dislikes things she does as an excuse to bristle at her. Kyoko thinks it's funny, and Tsuna kind of agrees.

“She is,” Tsuna states plainly. “She thinks – she thinks Xanxus likes me.” A quick little pause. He could still back out, but he isn't going to. “She thinks I like Xanxus.”

Takeshi tilts his head to the side thoughtfully. “Huh. Sounds about right. You're something about each other, that's for sure.” He then promptly gets distracted by the teakettle noises coming out of Hayato. “What's up, Hayato? You're turning funny colours. ”

“Hayato's choking!” Ryohei yells, and slams his fist into Hayato's back. If Hayato wasn't having trouble breathing before, he sure is now.

“Kufufu,” goes Mukuro in the corner. “Observe how the illusion of society falls apart under the slightest pressure.”

Tsuna would make a rebuttal to that, but he's too busy trying to make sure Hayato's okay.

“Are you upset, Mukuro-sama?” Chrome asks.

“Hardly, my dear Chrome. The Varia have ever been the filthiest part of the Vongola. Xanxus is the heart of everything that Tsunayoshi has struggled to excise from the Family. This dalliance will bring forth nothing but chaos and bloodshed. I look forward to it.”

Takeshi laughs airily as he steps forward to take the coughing and spluttering Hayato off of Tsuna's hands. “I can tell you haven't spent any time in the Varia compound, Mukuro!”

“Of course not,” Mukuro says fastidiously. “There's nothing of worth to be gained.”

“Mammon keeps throwing the sensation of Wrath Flames at him whenever he drifts in uninvited,” Chrome explains.

“Dearest Chrome, why have you betrayed me?”

“Will this at all affect our existing schedule?” Kyoya asks flatly. The abruptness of it makes Tsuna jump.

“Ah! Uh, I don't think so?” He worked a look of leeway into the calendar when he realized... well. That he actually was going to be a parent.

“Then I do not care.”

Oh thank god. Tsuna has no idea what he'd do if Kyoya took offence to the idea. That leaves three people left. “Hayato? Chrome? Ryohei?”

“I don't mind, Tsuna,” Chrome says, twirling a lock of hair around her finger.

“I extremely trust you to know what you want and go for it!” Ryohei booms. It makes sense, sort of. He's always been on a bit of a separate wavelength from everyone else, and Tsuna is including Takeshi and Kyoya in that statement.

One person left. Hayato coughs one last time and straightens up, trying to reclaim his shredded dignity. He looks exactly like Uri when Tsuna catches her playing with a catnip mouse. “I don't think it's a good idea. It's not that I don't trust you, Tsuna!” he clarifies hastily. “It's just – it's _Xanxus._ He tried to kill you!”

“So did Mukuro,” Tsuna points out.

Mukuro raises his hands mockingly. “Now, now, I only tried to steal your body and turn the world into an ocean of blood.”

Hayato stares flatly at the grinning Mist Guardian for several seconds, then turns back to Tsuna. “I retract my objection. Be safe and have fun.”

“Thanks,” Tsuna deadpans. “That's really nice to hear.” Despite the tone, he's not lying. It can't have been easy for them to accept this – except Takeshi, who's alarmingly easy-going in every area. And Ryohei, whom Tsuna doubts actually understands the concept of monogamy, since it's never been relevant to him. And Mukuro, and Kyoya, and Chrome – you know what, it's just really good to have everyone on the same page. 

Now he just needs to talk about how scared he is of hurting Xanxus by going through with this.

Suddenly, everyone in the room is staring at him, except for Ryohei, who is clearly not listening. Tsuna feels faint. “Oh no. I said that out loud, didn't I?”

“Said what?” Ryohei asks.

Kyoya looks down his nose at them. “Something stupid.”

Hibird chirps, which is probably agreement.

“He's afraid Xanxus only agreed to punish himself,” Takeshi says for Ryohei's benefit. “Which seems a little odd? I mean, usually when Xanxus is trying to hurt himself, he throws stuff at his men or threatens to kill Squalo.”

“How do you know that?” Tsuna squeaks.

“Crazy stuff happens at the compound sometimes!” Takeshi laughs. “Also, a little after your inheritance, I walked in on Xanxus with his guns to Squalo's head. They were both grinning, though, so they must've been having fun!”

“Where were their hands.” 

“Ah. Now that you mention it, that's probably why they were both so mad when I asked if I could play, too.”

“Unbelievable.” Hayato scoffs and rolls his eyes, which at least makes him look slightly less ready to go to war with Tsuna's screwed-up genetic code. “I hope you got shot, baseball idiot.”

“A couple times!” Takeshi admits freely. 

“Good.”

“Chaos and bloodshed,” Mukuro repeats, grinning creepily.

Chrome gives his long ponytail a tug. “Mukuro-sama, stop that.”

“Such pain you cause me, darling Chrome.”

“I'm on her side,” Tsuna says. “Stop that.” He's grinning too, though. Thank goodness for Takeshi's complete lack of self-preservation and uncanny ability to read other assassins. The ground is already firmer under Tsuna's feet.

The speaks pop as Kyoya's chair squeaks. “Bring the child to Namimori when he's done.”

“Of course we'll visit,” Tsuna promises. “And you can come here to see it whenever.”

Kyoya inclines his head briefly. Then he continues talking, and that fragile sense of peace falls down around Tsuna's ears. “I will begin its training immediately. Inform me three months in advance so that I may prepare the appropriate facilities.”

“Kyoya, you can't train a baby!”

Steel grey eyes shift pointedly over to the air vents. After a moment of confusion, Tsuna puts the pieces together and sighs. 

“Ryohei, could you-”

Ryohei rips the vent cover off and reveals exactly what Tsuna thought would be there. “This is an extremely obvious hiding place, Reborn!”

The tiny hitman stares coolly back at him. “And yet none of you noticed until Hibari gave away my position. What does that say about your observation skills, hm?”

And just like that, Tsuna is so done with this meeting. “It probably says we trust you.”

Reborn opens his mouth, closes it, and dips his hat in a gesture of restrained surrender. Then he packs up himself, Leon, and the enormous sniper rifle he somehow snuck into the vents and glides out of the room with his head held high.

It's too late, though. Tsuna saw that tiny annoyed smile. Another win for him.

They all start clearing out after that. Mukuro and Chrome leave together, of course, though Chrome splits off in the hallway because she needs to get ready for her date with Hana. Mukuro prowls off after Ryohei, who takes this as a sign that Mukuro wants to work out with him. He might not be wrong. Hayato takes several minutes to actually leave, mostly because he keeps trying to apologize to Tsuna for various silly reasons. Finally, Tsuna kisses him and orders him to bed, because he clearly needs it. Then it's just Tsuna and Takeshi waiting in the most secure room in the house.

“...can I ask for some advice?”

“Sure thing,” Takeshi says cheerfully.

“Squalo's artificial hand. Does he ever...take it off? You know, for stuff?”

A thoughtful hum. “Not unless it's hurting him. He likes having his sword close at hand”

Tsuna gawks at him, horrified. “Prosthetics can hurt?!”

"Oh yeah." Takeshi slings an arm around Tsuna's shoulders and draws him close. "Looks like we need to have a cram session, Tsuna!"

Tsuna sighs deeply and slumps beneath the weight. "Looks like."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commenting works wonders when it comes to motivating a writer. Just saying. :P
> 
> Check end notes for chapter-specific warnings.

As it turns out, not only can prosthetics be painful and uncomfortable, missing limbs have a tendency to hurt in and of themselves, what with the bone damage and scar tissue and all. Phantom limb sounds kind of existentially terrifying. A ghost limb that aches long after it was removed, like a fist that can't be unclenched? Awful. Tsuna wonders if Chrome has been experiencing something like that all this time and never said anything. It's possible. She doesn't like talking about her weaknesses any more than Mukuro does. Even Kyoya is more likely to show actual vulnerability than the illusionists.

Xanxus might have them beat, though. Might. For all the yelling and gunfire that mark the Varia's presence in Tsuna's life, he hasn't seen Xanxus truly angry in years. That's worrying in and of itself.

Tsuna's memories of the Sky Ring Battle are a mess of still images and stark sensations: the wind on his face, the scrape of broken laughter pouring from a raw throat, and the awful bite of Wrath Flames. His clearest recollection is Xanxus' face, inches from his own, more scar than skin, hands locked with Tsuna's while his eyes burned brighter than the sun. No matter how many years pass, part of him will stay there, at once panicked and eerily calm, fingers twined with the man who wants to kill him more than anyone else.

Point is, he's not used to thinking of Xanxus as vulnerable, and Xanxus definitely prefers it that way. If Xanxus knew what was going through Tsuna's head, he'd probably start legitimately trying to murder Tsuna. Less than 10% of Tsuna thinks that would be a good time. 

Once upon a time, it would've been 0%. He misses those days.

Anyway, there's technically still at least two other people for Tsuna to talk to before he has to actually face the Varia, and Tsuna latches onto that fact with the desperation of a drowning octopus. Or, more accurately, a charging bull.

“Huh,” Lambo says when he hears. He blinks down at Tsuna with big dewy eyes, soft and watery in a way that never fails to make Tsuna feel vaguely protective. How did Lambo go from such an annoying kid to such a sweet teenager? It's a mystery. “That's cool.”

Tsuna throws his arms up. “Cool? How is this cool?”

“Well, if you're talking about it to me, you must be pretty deep in negotiations, right? That's cool. I totally would've expected Xanxus to kick you in the face for suggesting it.”

That's fair. If Tsuna hadn't been so fired up at the time, he would've expected the same thing. “Yeah, but this is a big deal! How are you so cool about it?”

Lambo yawns. “It's not that big a deal. I mean, it is, because it's gonna be your kid, and heirs are always a big deal, but it's still not that big a deal.”

Tsuna reaches up to yank on his hair and then has to force his hands back down before Reborn finds out. Or worse, Kyoko. “I have no idea what you're trying to say!”

“Chill.” All of a sudden, Lambo's hands are on his shoulders, and Tsuna is forcibly reminded of how tall his foster brother has gotten. When he was fifteen, he would've barely come up to Lambo's shoulder. He still does, actually. Awkward. “Come on, Tsuna, it's not like this is anything new. Plenty of dons have had kids with people they didn't like. It's the price of power. Well, one of them.”

That's alarmingly insightful, but... “I don't hate Xanxus,” Tsuna says helplessly. “He's the one who hates me.”

“Plenty of dons have had kids with people who didn't like them,” Lambo counters without missing a beat. “It's the price of power. You just gotta go in with both eyes open and make sure someone's watching your back.”

A tiny, strained laugh bubbles up from Tsuna's chest. Clearly Lambo has spent too much time in the mafia. His logic is not normal person logic. “If Xanxus ever decides to go behind my back and kill me, I'll probably just die.”

Lambo's eyes harden. “Not if we have anything to say about it.”

The transition from 'little brother comforting older brother' to 'trained assassin vowing to keep his boss alive at an any cost' is unsettlingly smooth as always. Every time he sees it, Tsuna feels like he's failed Lambo. Intellectually, he knows there's very little he could've done – not when Lambo had been born into the mafia, was already waist-deep when Tsuna first met him. It doesn't help. No fifteen year old should have eyes like that, hard and flat, burning and ruthless. An awful combination of Takeshi and Hayato that never fails to send chills down Tsuna's spine. Lambo may be terribly young, but he's still so, so dangerous. 

Tsuna isn't the one who made him this way. But he is the one who failed to stop it.

“Thanks,” he says at last. “But if you actually try to fight the Varia you're grounded forever.”

In the blink of an eye, Lambo turns back into a brat. “You can't ground me! You're not my real dad!”

“Sure I can. Mom said I'm in charge of you while you're over here.”

“I wanna go back to Japan!”

Tsuna laughs again, earnestly this time. Yeah. That's much better. Now all he has to do is think about how he's going to talk to Lussuria.

* * *

Lussuria beams at Tsuna from across the tiny round table in Kyoko's designated tea parlour. “Well, this is a pleasant surprise! I wasn't expecting you to join us, love.”

Tsuna smiles back, setting his cup of tea down on his designated doily. It's easier than it should be. Maybe it's the tacky sunglasses, maybe it's the carefully-calculated body language, maybe it's just the way he talks, but of all the highly capable and unhinged assassins the Varia has to offer, Lussuria is the least unsettling. Which probably says more about Tsuna than it does about anyone else. “It's been a while since I had good tea. Besides, I wanted to catch up.”

It's a good excuse. Kyoko immediately decides to ruin it for her own amusement, leaning around to whisper loudly into Lussuria's ear. “Big Sis Luss, Tsuna wants your advice on something! It's very important.”

Dark brows shoot up theatrically. “Oh my! You're such a sweet boy. Now come on, tell big sis what's on your mind.”

Damn it, Kyoko. “Can we talk about Ryohei first? I had a whole speech lined up.”

“Sure thing, love. What about Ryohei?”

Tsuna opens his mouth and realizes he's forgotten the entire speech. Great. “Just – leave him alone, okay? He's mine now. You can't have him.”

Kyoko hums thoughtfully, because she is wonderfully forgiving, and also because she's probably already had this talk. Or a version of it, anyway. “That's really possessive, Tsuna.”

“It's not possessive if I'm trying to save his life,” Tsuna mutters.

Lussuria makes a small noise of understanding. “This is about the Ring Battles, isn't it.”

“Yes.”

“You do know we were putting on a show, yeah?”

“Yes.” Tsuna's just not entirely sure what that actually means in this context. Not when he knows Lussuria was a hobbyist killer long before becoming a proper assassin.

“All right then,” Lussuria says agreeably. “He's all yours. But I'm still going to chat him up about protein ratios and workout regimens.”

“Understandable.” And preferable, if Tsuna is honest. He loves Ryohei dearly, but he still can't keep up with the man's energy all the time. He's got no idea how Lussuria manages it. But then, Lussuria is pretty energetic himself.

“And I'm still going to invite him to tea with us,” Kyoko adds in. Lussuria brightens noticeably, which is impressive considering how bright he already was.

“Why?” Tsuna is aware he's whining, but what else is he supposed to do? 

“He's my brother and I want to spend time with him. Besides, I trust Big Sis with him.”

Lussuria looks both touched and slightly concerned, which is probably the correct response. Kyoko's trust always comes with a caveat. That caveat is what the rest of their little circle will do to anyone who breaks it. “Kyoko, you're a sweetheart. But really, I wouldn't do anything to Ryohei unless he was already dead.”

Ugh. That sounds plausible and it's probably the most Tsuna is going to get from one of the Varia officers, but still. Ugh. Why is the Varia like this?

“It's probably a combination of a very high-stress job, constant exposure to our darling boss, and existing mental concerns,” Lussuria says.

Tsuna groans and lets his forehead thunk down onto the table. “I need to stop thinking out loud.”

“That might be a good idea,” Kyoko suggests. “Reborn will be upset if you start giving all your plans away. You know how he loves thwarting them.”

Tsuna groans again at the reminder, but Kyoko has started scratching his head and it feels really good, so the sound comes out a little more adoring than exhausted. Lussuria hides behind his teacup and twitters something about young love. It's all very embarrassing, but that doesn't stop Tsuna from whining when Kyoko takes her hand away.

She gives his shoulder a little pat and pushes him gently until he's sitting up again. “Come on, Tsuna. You had questions, remember?”

Right. Questions. “So, on a scale of one to ten, how much pain is Xanxus is at any given time?”

“Oooo. Starting with the toughies.” Even with the shades blocking off his eyes completely, it's easy to tell when Lussuria is making a face. “By his standards? About a two. By your standards? I'd say a solid eight.”

“What does that mean,” Tsuna says very calmly. It comes out so calm that it's not even a question. Whoops.

“Constantly being in pain changes the way that you react to pain. As long as you can function through it, it can't be that bad, or so the rationale goes.” A soft sigh. “Also, our darling boss had a completely insane pain tolerance to begin with. In the early days, we had a hell of a time convincing him that he couldn't just muscle through the hurt.”

Tsuna latches onto the words 'in the early days' with great relief. “So he's better now?”

Lussuria's smile softens. He puts a comforting hand on Tsuna's shoulder. “Oh, honey, that's not how chronic injury works.”

“Then you're going to have to tell me a little more. I don't want to hurt him.”

The smile remains the same, but Tsuna's intuition tells him something's shifted slightly behind Lussuria's glasses. He doesn't know what it is, but it feels approving. “All right, pay close attention and take notes. There will be a test later.”

Kyoko raises her hand. “Can I help?”

“Of course!” Lussuria coos. “You draw the best diagrams!”

Great. Tsuna's wife knows more about their surrogate's health than he does. The kid isn't even conceived yet and he's already a deadbeat dad.

Her diagrams are really cute, though.

Lussuria's advice basically boils down to this: Xanxus is always in pain, but he's good at ignoring it, and if you draw attention to it he'll probably shoot you. It's difficult for him to fully extend his legs, so he'll be sitting or lying down the entire time, unless you piss him off. Don't worry about hurting him by accident – he's been around the block for much longer than you, love, and he likes it rough. If you're unsure, let him set the pace the first time. Also, if you try and handle him with kid gloves, he will shoot you.

“What about-” Tsuna suspects that flailing his arm would be in poor taste, but he really can't put this into words right now. “-you know?”

“He'll probably keep his arm on,” Lussuria assures him. “Easier that way. It's very complicated.” That smile says Tsuna isn't getting any more details out of him, even now.

Kyoko tilts her head. “Is it... metal? That seems like it would be uncomfortable.”

Lussuria shrugs. “Who knows? Looks more like glass to me, but Verde and Mammon collaborated on it, so your guess is as good as mine.” 

Suddenly, Tsuna is less afraid of messing around and accidentally hurting Xanxus and more afraid of messing around and accidentally unleashing some kind of security function. When he voices these fears, Kyoko and Lussuria give him identical grins and tell him not to worry.

“Boss'll probably disable those beforehand,” Lussuria says soothingly.

Kyoko gives him a thumb's up. “And even if he doesn't, you'll definitely survive! I believe in you, Tsuna!”

Tsuna still has many concerns, but he can't bring them up when Kyoko is beaming at him like that. She's so cute. It should be illegal to be that adorable. Maybe he can ask Xanxus in person, as long as he can figure out how to word his questions properly. 

The rest of the tea party goes well, except when Kyoko starts getting alarmingly candid about things Hana is good at, which is when Tsuna hastily excuses himself from the room. There are some things he really, really doesn't want to know about one of his most reliable lawyers. He finds Ryohei in the halls and drags him very determinedly away from the parlour, because Tsuna isn't quite as forgiving as Kyoko. And then, because he can't put it off any longer, he calls Squalo and makes an appointment. There are formalities to observe. Even if the Varia refuse to acknowledge most of them, Xanxus will be furious if Tsuna dares to do the same.

“Sometimes it feels like my whole life has been one long double-standard.” Tsuna sighs.

Ryohei gives Tsuna a hearty slap on the back, coming very close to knocking him off his feet and into the wall. “Sometimes life is extremely unfair!”

“Y-yeah.” For a moment, all Tsuna can think of are scars and the bitter taste of wrath on his tongue. Ugh. Even platitudes make him think of Xanxus now. This is getting really out of hand. 

“So, you made the appointment,” Ryohei observes, just a few decibels above normal speaking volume.

Tsuna leans against him and breathes out slowly. “Yeah.”

“Does this mean Xanxus is ours now?”

The words _he's always been mine_ leap to the tip of Tsuna's tongue. They almost make it out before he stops them. Nope. Not allowed. That's the kind of logic which makes Hyper Dying Will Mode Tsuna a menace to everyone around him, especially normal everyday Tsuna. It comes from having _the loser serves the winner_ beaten into his head too many times when things have never been that simple. Not with Xanxus.

“I don't know,” he says at last. “Whatever you do, don't ask him that, or he'll rig the Iron Fort to explode just to spite us.”

Ryohei nods seriously. “I'll be extremely careful.”

Good. Tsuna hasn't been there for over a year and he hasn't lived there since he was eighteen, but the building is still an important one for Vongola as a whole. Also, he definitely hasn't uncovered all the dirty secrets tucked away in those walls, and if they get blown up because someone set Xanxus off heads are going to roll. 

Metaphorically. He hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Lussuria, so expect vague discussion of necrophilia.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My KHR figures from verrypoo came in, so have another chapter to celebrate!

Fact: all seven Vongola Rings were required to free Xanxus from his frozen prison. The rings which were firmly in the possession of Vongola Nono at the time – Nono, who had his share of regrets surrounding the Cradle Affair. Who needed a trial by fire to subject his new heir to. Who was perhaps the only person that could've ordered the Varia to sheathe their claws and expected to be obeyed. Nobody's ever outright admitted it in Tsuna's presence, but he knows who was responsible. 

Fact: Xanxus was not well during the Ring Battles. Oh, part of it was definitely some kind of facade – no one as callous as he once pretended to be could maintain the loyalty of the Varia after eight years on ice – but the fact remains that when Tsuna first met him, Xanxus was falling apart. The sickly flame in his eyes, the maddened laughter, the scars drawn tight over snarling lips... all of it combined into an ugly picture of a boy in free-fall. And yes, boy is the correct word. Tsuna doesn't care what line Reborn tries to feed him about relative time and how trauma can affect emotional maturity; Xanxus was sixteen years old when he went into the ice and sixteen years old when he came out. At the time, that made him ancient and untouchable, but now it seems terribly young.

Fact: Xanxus was never outright punished for his actions during the Sky Ring Battle. This in itself was a punishment. The equivalent of the Nono patting him on the head and saying _good dog._

Sometimes, when it's late and he can't sleep, Tsuna wonders if Nono had regrets about that, too. Either way, it's too late to ask now. Xanxus di Vongola is just one more mistake Timoteo left for Tsuna to deal with. In his more charitable moments, Tsuna thinks of it as Nono learning from experiences and cutting his losses; in his less charitable moments, it's nothing short of betrayal.

As Tsuna grows older, he finds himself becoming less and less charitable.

He never did confront Timoteo about this. Not really. They talked around it a lot while Tsuna was coming into his own as Decimo, but the words were always a little vague. Just enough for plausible deniability. Even at the very end, they were both pretending that everything was okay. 

If there's one thing Tsuna learned from Timoteo, it's this: you can love someone and still hate what they represent. The way Timoteo loved his son but hated the Varia boss after the Cradle Affair. The way Tsuna hates Vongola Nono but still treasures his memories of Jii-chan. 

Timoteo di Vongola was buried on a brilliantly sunny day, after several months of planning, two attempted coups, and one assassin so stubborn Tsuna had to make a statement of him. The Varia stayed out of everything, but in the end, they showed up the day of. Xanxus stayed for the bare minimum of time, drank most of the bar, and threw the only guest stupid enough to try and make conversation with him through a flower arrangement. Tsuna gave a speech he'd written with Kyoko the night before, didn't look directly at the coffin once, and tried not to stare too much at the more dangerous attendees. Given their respective relationships with the old man, it felt very fitting.

The night after the funeral was the first and only time Xanxus knelt to Tsuna as Decimo rather than just an opponent. It was a raw, brittle moment, captured in starlight and the distant chirping of crickets. The kind of moment that can never happen twice. Tsuna still doesn't really know what prompted it. This, too, isn't really talked about.

But then, how are you supposed to talk to the person who took everything from you?

* * *

In the end, the only ones who can tell Tsuna anything about the potential side effects of concentrated Sky Flames and Wrath Flames on a pregnancy are Verde and Mammon, and getting them both in the same room is an experience in agony. So much passive aggressive sniping. So much.

Finally, Tsuna resorts to playing dirty. He straight-up bribes Mammon into accompanying him for a day as an extra bodyguard, just in case, and then walks them straight into Verde's lab. The hood does nothing to conceal the disdain on their face when they realize where he's going.

“Really.”

Tsuna keeps his head up and refuses to panic. “I didn't want to do this, either. We could've already been finished if you hadn't jerked me around for the last week.”

Mammon scowls fiercely, but says nothing, which is as good as admitting he has a point. They drift grumpily in his wake, refusing to acknowledge the rumbling machinery all around them. Screen after screen blips on as they pass, showcasing obscure schematics and strands of what's probably DNA. Probably. Tsuna has no idea, okay, he failed bio. At long last, they arrive in Verde's office, which is honestly less office and more 'the place where Verde stores his favourite mass spectrometers.' Verde looks up as they approach and slides smoothly into a pose befitting an anime villain: slumped over his desk, hands clasped in front of his face, alligator curled up at his feet. It would be a bit more effective if Verde didn't currently look five years old, but it's still at least a solid eight out of ten on the menacing scale.

After the requisite opening snark is out of the way, the three of them get to work. By which Tsuna means that Verde and Mammon casually discuss the many ways things could go horribly wrong, and Tsuna tries not to hyperventilate. 

“Don't make that face,” Verde says dryly. He's swinging his feet idly in his seat, kicking the trailing hem of his lab coat. “These are just possibilities.”

“You just said the baby's _skin_ might fail to form,” Tsuna squeaks.

“And that would be very fascinating, but it's only a zero-point-zero-zero-two possibility.”

Mammon crosses their arms and puffs out their chest. “Even if it did happen, I would certainly be able to save the child.”

Tsuna believes them, honest. He's just not cut out for this kind of conversation.

Verde pushes his glasses up his face. Like everything else in the lab, they're clearly too big, yet he refuses to acknowledge this in any way. They even sit correctly. Probably Mist Flames. “Irregardless, my professional opinion is that while there may be side effects, the risk is ultimately no more severe than the risk of a Flame Active exerting undue influence on a Box Weapon.”

'Irregardless?' Is that a word?

No, wait, what was that last statement- “Don't Box Weapons take their entire shape from their partners?”

“That's an oversimplification of a very unique set of circumstances.”

Tsuna grits his teeth. “All I know is Bester wasn't a liger until Xanxus made him one.”

“Shots fired,” Mammon mutters. Tsuna ignores them because they are terrible.

Verde gives him a very patronizing sniff. “It's highly improbable that your children will be ligers. And if they are, you will have advanced the field of medicine by centuries.”

“That's not the issue here!” Tsuna snaps. “Wait. Is that – is that on the table? Oh my god, I can't pass down the title of Vongola Undecimo to a liger!” He places one hand on his chest, trying and failing to calm himself down. His brain is racing about nine hundred miles an hour. “I'll have to dismantle the whole Family!”

A soft chuckle anchors him back in the present. “Calm down, Sawada. Don't do anything that'll make boss shoot you. I can keep an eye on the embryo's development to make sure they don't deviate too far from human baseline.”

“Oh thank god,” Tsuna wheezes.

Verde's mouth twists into what's unmistakably a pout. “Why must you ruin everything for me.”

“I don't know,” Mammon shoots back. “Why do you have to imply I'm an idiot every time you speak to me?”

And then they're both racing off again. Tsuna needs to lie down. Instead, he stops Mammon from strangling Verde with tentacles and asks, very seriously, if there are any other risks either of them can think of, because in case they've forgotten, this is kind of important. Also, he's paying them enough to get some proper consultation out of it. That he concludes this by going, “Please just pretend to be real doctors!” at them both seems to earn him pity points. They sit back down and start talking again.

“Technically, what runs through the Vongola line is closer to 'genetic memory' than anything else, but the results are similar to an existing process of stress-activated evolution, albeit more exaggerated,” Verde says.

Tsuna begins slowly sliding down his chair onto the floor. “What does that mean?”

“It means there's a non-zero chance the kid will inherit direct aspects of its parents' personality,” Mammon clarifies. “In this case, that means boss might inadvertently pass down his trauma to the next generation.”

Tsuna stops sliding in favour of groaning and covering his face with his hands. “Will that come with Wrath Flames?”

“Maybe,” Verde says. “The exact nature of Wrath Flames is still uncertain. Mostly because Xanxus has historically refused to cooperate with my attempts to extract samples. However, my current hypothesis is that Wrath Flames are a combination of pure Sky Flames with the Simon Family's River Flames. Think Mizuno Kaoru. The River Flames are dormant until activated through a process known as 'epigenetics', presumably triggered by going Flame Active at a young age.”

“I thought Wrath was a mix of Sky and Storm Flames?” Tsuna protests.

“The resemblance is clear, but it is ultimately superficial. Wrath Flames take effect much faster than Storm-based disintigration and tend to have more of a tearing effect. Besides, the colour is wrong. Do keep up, Decimo. Science waits for no man.”

Mammon clears their throat.

“No person,” Verde corrects himself. “Happy now, you snake?”

“I will steal every cent you ever earn.”

“They're happy.” Verde turns back to Tsuna and gets ready to resume his lecture. Tough luck, Tsuna has more questions.

“Wait, if going Flame Active as a kid is all it takes to get Wrath Flames, why don't I have them?”

For the first time since he stepped into the lab, Verde and Mammon are on the same wavelength. Their looks of disdain are completely identical. Age gap and colouring aside, they could pass as twins.

“I meant single digits young,” Verde deigns to clarify.

Tsuna thinks about how young he was when Timoteo Sealed him and fights back a shudder. “I think I was like five when I first used my Flames, though.”

“Yes, and you went Active over the immensely traumatic experience of being barked at by a dog.” Mammon is definitely rolling their eyes behind their hood. “The old man jumped to conclusions when he Sealed you. You were in no danger of developing Wrath Flames unless Hibari made it his goal to give you them.”

“Actually, even if he had specifically targeted you, you still probably wouldn't have manifested Wrath Flames,” Verde breaks in. “There is a genetic component, after all, and you aren't descended from Ricardo's lineage. Wherever Xanxus got the cocktail of genes needed to become a Wrath Sky, it has nothing to do with Vongola.”

Tsuna flinches a little. He can't help it. It's weird when people talk about Xanxus' parentage in front of the Varia. “...how old was Xanxus-”

Mammon sighs pointedly. “Let me put like this. He was adopted by Vongola Nono at the age of nine. At that time, he'd already been Flame Active for a minimum of two years.”

That's a really specific timeframe. “How do you know?”

“Genetic markers,” Verde says.”

Mammon smirks. “I asked.”

Right. The Varia get special 'not-being-killed-for-asking-questions' privileges. Tsuna should've known.

Verde has a few other things to share, mostly regarding diet (no alcohol), where the actual act should take place (yes, they do need a bed, Verde), and whether Tsuna is absolutely sure he wouldn't like to participate in some new experiments (thank you, but no), before a fire alarm goes off. Then he bustles out with Keiman and leaves Tsuna and Mammon to their own devices. They sit in silence for a few seconds, or at least Tsuna sits in silence while Mammon bobs upward like a wayward balloon. A soft croaking under their hood reveals the presence of Fantasma somewhere. 

Tsuna's not surprised. He's formed a theory that the Arcobaleno – former Arcobaleno, now – don't have animal partners so much as they do emotional support animals that coincidentally are able to kill people. If that's the case, he's happy for them, and he forgives Reborn for overreacting every time that Leon has stowed away in Tsuna's pocket.

But the silence has stretched out too long, and Tsuna has a question for Mammon. Not a great combination. “Hey, Mammon?”

Their head swivels toward him like an owl. Eeep. “Yes, Sawada?”

“Why did you to help with this?”

The answer is immediate. “Money.”

Well, obviously. “And what else? I know there's another reason.”

For a moment, Mammon just floats there, a vision of billowing darkness. Then they swoop down until they're lying on their stomach, arms crossed in front of them, legs kicking playfully in the air. “Why do you think I agreed, hm?”

Tsuna didn't really expect them to spill their secrets that easily. He closes his eyes and thinks for a minute. Trying to use Hyper Intuition intentionally is always a mixed bag – he's as likely to suddenly know what the lunch schedule is for the next three weeks as he is to find what he's actually looking for. This time, though, everything clicks into place. He kinda wishes it hadn't. “...you want him to be closer to me. To the Vongola I'm creating.”

There's no need to clarify who 'he' is in this context. There's only one person that spiteful, independent Mammon would factor so closely into their decisions and not complain about it. 

A soft clap. “Very good, Decimo. That intuition of yours really is striking. The things I could do with it...”

“You don't need any help to clear out casinos.” Tsuna sighs and lowers his head. “What if this is a mistake? We've never been on good terms. If anything goes wrong, this could be the blow that finishes Vongola for good.”

Fabric shifts as Mammon cocks their head. For a moment, he can make out a pair of tiny, glistening eyes in the darkness. “Isn't that what you want, Tsuna? You're the one who told the world you didn't want to be a Mafia boss.”

“It's been ten years since I went around shouting that in public. Most of the Family's forgotten all about it.”

“The Varia hasn't.”

Tsuna makes a face. “So, in other words, you're here to make sure that the Varia has a place at my table.”

“Don't say it like that,” Mammon chides. “It's hardly exploitation on your end. If anything, I'm taking shameless advantage of your good nature.”

That does make Tsuna feel a bit better. “And Xanxus?”

“He's taking shameless advantage of me,” they mutter darkly. “Thirty percent, indeed...”

“What was that about?” Tsuna asks. The only answer he gets is an unsettling grin, so he decides to change the subject. “So, muscles! Um. Will you be maintaining whatever you've got going on for Xanxus during the, uh.” You know what, maybe this was a bad idea.

“Consummation?” Mammon suggests sweetly, taking sadistic pleasure in the way he splutters. “No. I'll be too busy focusing on maintaining illusory reproductive organs. Unless you wish to take a risk with the embryo's health?”

A shadow falls over them. The air fills with the scent of acrid smoke. When Tsuna looks ove rhis shoulder, Xanxus is there, looming over them. He's so tall. Why is he so tall? “Don't you fucking dare, trash.”

Tsuna jumps out of his seat. “X-Xanxus! When did you get here?”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Tsuna regrets them. If Xanxus heard the rest of their conversation, he'll kill Tsuna. If he didn't, he now knows that they were talking about something sensitive – something involving him – and he'll kill Tsuna anyway, just to be sure. The only way to escape this situation safely is for Tsuna to fake his death and move to Acapulco. But if he does that, not only will Kyoko and Hayato cry, so will everyone else. Except Kyoya and Mukuro, who will hunt him down, beat him into the grave for real, and then drag him back for everybody else to destroy. At which point Xanxus will kill him. 

Once again, he's thankful for the bullet to the head. It's hard to have a panic attack while actively dodging gunshots. “Sorry! I'm just trying to make sure I don't hurt you!”

Xanxus' eyes... kindle. There's really no better word for it. One second, they're so dark and cold they're almost black; the next, they _burn._ “You think _you_ can hurt me?”

Uh-oh. “N-no – yes – maybe?” Tsuna stammers. “I just – it seems like a lot could go wrong!”

For a second, Xanxus does nothing but look at Tsuna as if he's dirt on Xanxus' boots. Then he reaches up through his open collar and touches the flesh of his right shoulder. With an odd clicking sound, the whole arm comes off in his hand. Tsuna has just enough time to feel deeply confused before Xanxus hurls the arm at him.

It hits. And it hurts. Ow, ow, ow, that's definitely some kind of ceramic mix. Probably the stuff they use in modern high-tech armour. Any lower and Tsuna would've lost an eye. He knocks it away just in time to catch Xanxus' remaining fist right in the mouth.

That sets up the pattern for the next several minutes: Tsuna scrambles to his feet, dodges for a couple of seconds, and then gets completely blindsided by something he didn't see coming. His intuition is going off constantly. It doesn't help. Within five minutes, he's a bruised puddle, and Xanxus is still shooting at him. Between bullets, he notices that Mammon has relocated back up to the ceiling and is now actively cheering Xanxus on. 

“Why do you hate me so much?” Tsuna screeches at them. Both of them, actually. “I'm trying to make sure you'll all right!”

“What happened to respecting me in the morning,” Xanxus snarls, and pain blooms in Tsuna's gut. He doubles over, choking on his own tongue, and gets clubbed over the head with a gun. He's off-balance and he's not getting control of the fight back, but also, Xanxus really is that good, isn't he? “We haven't even fucked and you're already treating me like glass.”

Tsuna goes to reply and stops. Not because there's no air in his lungs – though that is certainly the case – but because Xanxus is right, at least from a certain perspective. The things Tsuna's been asking about, the worries he's been having... he should've just asked Xanxus to his face. They'd either get this out of the way fast or Xanxus would kick him in the direction of someone more willing to talk. Going behind Xanxus' back is the kind of thing Iemitsu would do. Or Nono. Or even the future Tsuna – the one who isn't there anymore.

He really has screwed this up, hasn't he?

Xanxus picks Tsuna up off the floor with one hand and shakes him. “Stop thinking and fight.”

So Tsuna fights. And when things end with him on his knees, scorched and bleeding, at the foot of Xanxus' throne, he's not really that surprised. Or distressed. Despite everything, he knows deep down at the centre of his being that the days of his life truly being in danger from Xanxus are over. He'll have to screw up a lot worse than this to change that. Also, Xanxus is holding his tie like it's a leash, and that–

Uh–

It might be doing things to Tsuna. 

“See?” Strong fingers tilt his chin upward. Xanxus' eyes are still blazing bright. “Quality. Stop fretting, trash.”

Maybe it's the head trauma, but that sounds like forgiveness. Tsuna breathes out in a whoosh and slumps down in a pile of aching limbs. “Sorry.”

“Shut up.” Above him, Xanxus makes an imperious gesture. A long, glistening tentacle stretches down into Tsuna's range of vision, loops around the discarded arm, and drops it in Xanxus' lap. Tsuna makes himself sit up a little so he can watch.

“How does it work?”

Again, Xanxus looks at him, evaluating. Then he grunts and lifts it up to show. It's almost a full-arm prosthetic, missing only the shoulder, and it looks surprisingly normal. Sure, if you really looked you could find flaws – the brown colour is a bit too even for human skin, the joints are faintly outlined, if Tsuna squints he can make out the moving parts – but why would you bother? It's warm when he cautiously reaches out to touch it.

“It doesn't feel like skin,” he says, surprised.

“No fucking shit,” Xanxus says. He takes the arm back and shrugs partially out of his shirt. Tsuna carefully doesn't wince as the stump is revealed. It's healed now, and covered in a thin black material that reminds him of anime and mecha pilots, but the scarring peeks out. Circuit designs light up as the edge of the prosthetic touches the stump. There's a moment of gritted teeth and sudden twitching. Then the arm settles down next to its match.

It's over so quickly. Tsuna didn't think it would be so easy.

“Satisfied?”

He jerks his head up to find Xanxus watching him – not warily, exactly, but not far off, either. Tsuna licks his lips and tries to figure out what he's really being asked. “Are you okay with it?” he says finally. “Passing on Wrath Flames to a kid?”

For once, Xanxus doesn't lash out. He just looks at Tsuna, wariness subsiding into the familiar weight of judgement, and curls his lip. “If you're involved, it won't matter. No child of yours will ever understand wrath.”

That exchange puts Tsuna even more off-balance than he was already. Which is the only excuse for what he says next. “I wish I'd done this better. I'm trying so hard, but I'm always disappointing people. Or hurting them.” He laughs a little, deep in his throat. “Hey, you remember the future me, right? What makes me any different from him?”

Xanxus slaps him. And then, while Tsuna's head is still ringing, picks him up and drags him out of the office. “He was a mafia boss. You're a fucking idiot.”

Tsuna doesn't know what he expected. But there's a comfort in the strength of Xanxus' arms – both of them – and the unflinching certainty in his voice. Maybe this is what the Varia see in him. If so, Tsuna thinks he might understand, at least a little. He certainly understands the appeal of being hauled around like he weighs nothing. Mammon floats after them, snickering evilly to themself, and Tsuna just knows there are going to be pictures of this on the black market within the hour, but he can't make himself care. 

Haru and Hayato will just end up in a bidding war again, anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the brief hiatus, my KHR inspiration ran out for a bit. I can't promise regular updates, but I can promise this fic hasn't been abandoned.

At this point in his life, Tsuna should know better than to tell his mom things. She loves him. He knows she does. That should be enough. He shouldn’t still be waiting for her to stop looking through him and start looking at him. But he keeps trying to trust her, with his feelings if not with his truth, and it never turns out well. At least, not for him.

Chrome’s eyebrows inch slowly up her forehead. “You told Nana that you’re having a kid?” 

“I told her Kyoko and I are having a kid,” he says, looking anywhere in the room except at his second Mist Guardian. “And. You know. That we needed a surrogate.”

“And you told her who the surrogate is.” There’s no judgement in Chrome’s voice, not exactly. Just calm and mild concern. It jabs into Tsuna’s heart like a nail. 

“She guessed, actually. She likes Xanxus.” For some reason. Tsuna also likes Xanxus despite himself, though, so he definitely can’t talk.

Chrome nods quietly, eyes half-lidded. She’s prettiest when she’s thinking so hard she lets the edges of her soft act blur and Tsuna can almost see the predator in her. She isn’t the same brand of monstrous that Mukuro and Hibari are. What lurks under her skin is at once far kinder and far, far crueler. An ambush hunter, relying on camouflage and delicate lures to slip into her prey’s blind spots. Tsuna loves her dearly, but he’s afraid of her in a way he’s never truly feared any of his other Guardians. 

If she really wanted to, she could tear his mind apart and make him believe it was his own idea. Instead, she crosses her legs and lets out a quiet sigh. “You know she’s going to tell Iemitsu.”

Tsuna groans and buries his face in his hands. “I know.”

“At least you’re already meeting Xanxus today,” she says, unruffled. “You have an excuse to miss his calls.”

That doesn’t make Tsuna feel any better. He continues to not feel better as Chrome kisses him on the top of the head and leaves him alone in his office, ruing the day he was born. He’s more or less accepted his Vongola heritage at this point – at least, he’s accepted it enough to know he needs to change it – but why did he have to be born to Sawada Nana and Iemitsu? They’re the worst parents ever.

Okay, that’s a bit of exaggeration. His mother would never cause him trouble on purpose. His father, on the other hand…

When he became the don, Tsuna made it very clear that the head of the CEDEF and his father were different people, and he intended to treat them as such. This compartmentalization works in both their favours – he wants Chief Sawada to treat Don Sawada with a level of respect that Sawada Iemitsu can't give his son. Well, actually, Tsuna dreams of never having to speak to his father again, but he can't get everything he wants. For example, he wants to call Squalo and reschedule today's meeting so he can face Xanxus with a clear mind and a clear heart, but he's not doing that either. Yet.

Right on cue, Tsuna's personal phone lights up and begins to play a warning song. _Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon..._

Oh, goodie. Tsuna sits upright in his comfy office chair and lets it go to voicemail. It rings three times before Sawada Iemitsu gives up. That's almost fifteen minutes of crying, demanding to know what his Tuna-Fish was thinking, and promises that it's gonna be okay, daddy will fix this, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Tsuna steeples his fingers, looks over at the circled date on his calendar, and agrees. Then he slips his phone back into his pocket and drives to the Varia compound.

Enough is enough. It's time to face the music.

If he takes a moment to update his will first, who can blame him?

* * *

Squalo Superbi still hasn’t cut his hair. The long, silver mass floods down his back and trails in his wake like a cloak, or maybe a war flag. Combined with the tight, black, ominously stylish uniform of the Varia and he looks almost knightly. Then he opens his mouth.

“Voi, Vongola brat! What the hell took you?”

“I’m thirty minutes early!”

“Do I look like I give a shit?” Squalo counters, which – no, he does not. He turns his hard gaze away from Tsuna and looks at Kyoko. “Keep your useless boss under control.”

“Tsuna’s not useless,” she says, smiling pleasantly.

Squalo snorts loudly and rolls his eyes. “What the fuck ever. Get your asses in here, meeting’s already started.”

The Varia compound hasn’t changed a bit. Part of Tsuna is upset about that. He’s been slowly going mad ever since this whole thing started, shouldn’t some of the stress and insanity be wearing on the other side of the equation? But no, he thinks as he and his cheerfully humming wife pass a courtyard full of screaming trainees and a cackling Belphegor, that would assume that the Varia were unprepared for something like this to come out of nowhere. Clearly he’s underestimated their ability to roll with the punches. Varia Quality, etc.

As it turns out, the only person in the compound who’s freaking out is Levi, and apparently he was so upset that Xanxus knocked him out to make the crying stop. Tsuna’s not sure how reasonable a response that is, but then, he’s also not sure why Xanxus puts up with Levi to begin with. You’d think the man with a hair-trigger temper and… some kind of self esteem issue that Tsuna refuses to put a label on, even in his own mind… wouldn’t tolerate such a possessive and jealous personality. 

Oh well. Not Tsuna’s Guardian, not Tsuna’s problem. Usually, that would just be a desperate coping mechanism on Tsuna’s part, because everything inevitably becomes his problem, but the Varia is different. Even after all of Tsuna’s reforms, they – like the CEDEF – are still autonomous enough that they can deal with private issues as they come up. Unlike Iemitsu, Xanxus actually does keep the Varia smoothly, like a well-oiled machine. If the oil in question is probably about 70% blood…

Well, Tsuna is still planning another wave of reforms. And Xanxus has thrown his lot in with Tsuna. Things can and will change in the future.

Right now, though, Squalo opens the door to Xanxus’ office and immediately has to duck a flying shot glass. “What the hell, shitty boss? I went and fetched your damn VIP guests!”

“Either get in or get out, trash,” Xanxus snarls, deep and ominous.

“Stop moving,” Mammon says from inside. “You’ve fucked up your arm again. This is what happens when you throw it at people.”

The only response is a growl that buzzes in Tsuna’s bones. It sounds like it came from a lion’s throat, but Natsu doesn’t roar much, and anyway, Tsuna doesn’t have him out. He’s a good kitty, but the Varia scare him. The noise was probably Bester.

Squalo makes a face, throws up his hands, and stalks inside, in that order. Tsuna breathes in deeply and steels his shoulders. Then he takes Kyoko’s hand and leads her into the liger’s den.

Xanxus has his shirt off. Why does Xanxus have his shirt off?

“Tsuna, close your mouth,” Kyoko whispers. 

Tsuna snaps his jaw shut, face burning. Then he glances back at Xanxus and the embarrassment drains away. The Varia commander is seated in his throne, as usual, glaring down at his right arm. The huge, white bulk of Bester is lying curled up at his feet, eyes shut. Mammon is floating beside him, using their hands and a variety of tentacles to… tinker with it, for lack of a better word. It’s still connected to his shoulder, but whole sections of the fake skin have been removed to give Mammon room to work. The overall effect is somewhere between creepy and weirdly heartwarming. Tsuna hasn’t often seen Xanxus let himself be cared for. It’s kinda cute.

“Did something happen?” Tsuna asks.

“Nothing you weren’t there for,” Mammon says. “Our boss just broke something in his arm throwing it at you and wouldn’t let me take a look at it until it stopped working.”

Oh, crap. Is this Tsuna’s fault? “When did it stop working?”

“About half an hour ago.”

Never mind. That sounds like Xanxus. “Should we come back later, or–”

Another of those deep, rumbling growls. Tsuna automatically glances at Bester, but the liger is still asleep. Was… was that Xanxus?

“Don’t you fucking dare, trash,” Xanxus snarls in exactly the same tone as the growl. “We’re getting this out of the way now.” There’s no room for compromise in that those words. Tsuna doesn’t push his luck.

Squalo skulks around the back of the room, making faces and yelling at people. Lussuria arrives about five minutes after the meeting officially starts – because no, Xanxus, the meeting doesn’t begin when you say it does – and spends the whole time grinning like a Cheshire cat. Fran doesn’t show up at all, which might be him being a little brat and might mean he’s been kidnapped to spend the week with Mukuro. Tsuna tries to keep far away from that particular disaster. The only Varia officer who doesn’t seem to already know the subject of today’s meeting is Bel, who pops in absolutely covered in blood and makes an affectionate attempt on Tsuna’s life. Tsuna knocks the knives out of his hands and hands them to Kyoko for safekeeping before clearing his throat. One syllable later, he realizes what he’s about to say to a room full of terrifying assassins, and also his wife. 

For a moment, he considers fleeing the country and changing his name. Then he remembers Iemitsu leaving message after message on his phone and sheer spite takes control. “So Xanxus and I are having a baby.”

Pandemonium ensues. Knives fly everywhere. There is screaming. Lussuria feels the need to shriek, “Way to go, boss honey!”, which has the completely predictable outcome of him being beaned in the head by Xanxus’ bottle of scotch. By the time everyone is settled down again, fifteen have passed, Tsuna’s throat is sore from yelling, there are bullet holes and sword slashes in every wall, and Xanxus has broken his arm again.

“I’m charging you double for this,” Mammon says with a smile.

Xanxus huffs. “I’ll take it out of your pay.”

They gasp and shrink backward. If Tsuna could see their eyes, he’s sure they would be wide with shock and horror. “You wouldn’t!”

“Try me, trash.”

“He would,” Kyoko says unexpectedly. She’s the only person who didn’t move an inch through all the commotion. No fighting or frantic knife-dodging from her. She sits placidly on a black leather couch, her white and yellow dress like a pool of sunlight, and giggles. “If you get paid extra for making him break his arm, you’ll never stop.”

“It wasn’t my fault!” Mammon protests. “He was the one who ripped it off without thinking! Wrecked all the nerve connections.”

“And you’re the one who made sure Tsuna didn’t realize Xanxus was in the room until he’d already put his foot in his mouth,” she counters, shaking her head. “It worked out okay, but still. Bad Mammon.”

“Kyoko, please don’t scold the Arcobaleno,” Tsuna requests in a calm and not at all strained manner.

“But Tsuna, sometimes they really, really need it!”

A burst of harsh laughter has Tsuna just about jump out of his skin. Squalo too. Even Lussuria does a little twitch. Bel actually does jump and winds up hanging from the wall by his knives, halfway to the vaulted ceiling. All of this Tsuna takes in with a very small part of his brain, because the rest is dedicated to processing the sight of Xanxus smiling at Kyoko. It’s not a very nice smile, but it is a smile. That’s already more than Tsuna had dared hope.

“You’re a clever one, aren’t you?”

Kyoko beams back. “Thank you! I try, since Tsuna certainly doesn’t.”

“Hey,” Tsuna manages, but his heart isn’t in it on account of being too busy mooning over two of the most beautiful and terrifying people he knows actually getting along.

“It’s true, Tsuna,” she says without shame. “Since you can do anything you set your mind to.”

“That’s the nicest way anyone’s ever called me stupid.”

“Not stupid! Just distracted. You think about things too much.”

Tsuna could totally argue that – whether to claim he doesn’t get distracted or that he really is stupid, he’s not sure – but Xanxus is nodding, red eyes finally leaving the cut-open surface of his prosthetic arm in favour of seeking out eye contact with Kyoko. After the initial flinch, she rallies completely. Tsuna loves her so much. He is also very afraid.

_They get along,_ he thinks helplessly. _Of course they get along. They're both the scariest people in any room they walk into. Why wouldn't they gravitate toward each other?_

“Congratulations, boss,” Squalo drawls, probably sensing that things are about to become too sentimental for his taste. “When’s the baby shower?”

Xanxus narrows his eyes. Kyoko purses her lips and hands him one of her knives, hilt first. “Keep it left-handed.”

He immediately whips it at Squalo without looking away from Kyoko. Squalo shrieks and ducks for cover.

“We aren’t having a baby shower,” Tsuna says, wincing in sympathy. “Unless – Xanxus, did you want a baby shower?”

“No,” Xanxus growls, hunching his shoulder ever-so-slightly. “Fucking Mammon does.”

Tsuna sighs. “Mammon is already getting a ridiculous sum out of this. If anyone’s having a baby shower, it’ll be Kyoko.”

She nods. “That sounds good!”

Mammon mutters something darkly and Lussuria groans, but Xanxus’ shoulders are relaxed again – or, well, as relaxed as he gets in the presence of other people – so Tsuna chalks it up as a win. The hard part is over, anyway. All that’s left is etching out the details of the contract between Sawada Tsunoyoshi and Xanxus di Vongola. And setting a date for the actual, uh, sex. 

Hmm. Maybe Tsuna shouldn’t have brought Kyoko along. 

Fifteen minutes later, as she cheerfully explains everything they got wrong during their first time back in high school to an increasingly-amused Xanxus, Tsuna amends that thought: he definitely shouldn’t have brought Kyoko along. She knows too much and has no shame about using it for evil. The only person who can do more damage to Tsuna’s precious nerves is Reborn.

So, naturally, that’s when Reborn sets off the bomb he installed into the compound’s foundation and everyone has to dive for the windows. No sooner have they touched down than another bomb goes off. And another. And another. Tsuna knows its Reborn because he can recognize his tutor’s handiwork everywhere, but even if he couldn’t, he’d still recognize the telltale silhouette perched on the building’s roof, holding a gun almost longer than he is tall.

“Why?” Tsuna begs.

“It’s a standard safety drill for mafia wives.” Reborn cocks his gun.

Xanxus reaches out for Bester – awake, and very disgruntled about it – with his good hand lets out the deepest, most menacing growl Tsuna has heard all day. “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

“Please don’t,” Tsuna says, already reaching for Hyper Dying Will Mode. “If he dies, I can’t make Mammon bull him for property damage.”

In the end, nobody kills Reborn, but between the two of them, they manage to beat some semblance of regret into him. Mostly, though, the world’s greatest hitman just looks bizarrely proud. 

“It seems you’ll make a good couple. This union will be a blessing for Vongola.”

“Kyoko is right there!” Tsuna protests, pointing to her. Squalo has taken it upon himself to protect her from flying debris. Good.

She smiles brightly and waves back. “Do you think the baby will have his eyes?”

Mammon hums speculatively. “For a small sum, I can arrange that.”

“We’ll leave it up to chance,” Tsuna says hastily. 

Things break up pretty quickly after that. At least the contract is signed, the date is finalized, and nobody got stabbed except Reborn, who is used to it. All things considered, the day could’ve gone worse.

“Do you want to practice before the big day?” Kyoko asks him as they’re being driven home. “We could ask Chrome or Mukuro to–”

Tsuna just about chokes on his own spit. “No! Definitely not!”

“Are you sure? I don’t think they’d mind looking like Xanxus again. I mean, it’s not the first time you asked for an illusion of him in bed, so–”

“Please,” he begs, “stop talking. We might still be in Mammon’s earshot. If they tell him, I am literally going to die.”

Kyoko shakes her head, but changes the subject. It still takes Tsuna the whole car ride to stop blushing.

Great. Now he's never going to be able to stop thinking about having sex with Xanxus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cat's in the Cradle is a very Iemitsu song, especially if you're feeling charitable toward him.


End file.
